


Ruthless Calculus

by dreamsindigital



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Canonical Character Death, Eventual Romance, F/M, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Spacer (Mass Effect), War Hero (Mass Effect), my tagging sucks, normandy crew - Freeform, shepard is an engineer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2019-10-06 03:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsindigital/pseuds/dreamsindigital
Summary: My name is Terra Shepard.The only daughter of Hannah Shepard, hero of Elysium, Sole Survivor of Akuze, Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre … I was given so many names. But the truth was, I felt lonely. How many of my crew, of my friends, would really understand what it is like to stand here?





	1. Prologue. Akuze.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello world, I finally got to publish a fic that was years in my google drive. It all started as a description of scenes, the time between missions, my HCs about how Terra Shepard dealt with the events of Reaper War.  
> Unless necessary, I will not describe the events of the game.  
> Last, but not least: I would love to thank my amazing beta, AinZaphir. Go check her works too!

# Prologue

It’s difficult for me to fully realize, that the war is over. That the Reapers are truly gone. In the morning, it takes me a while to realize that I do not have to don my armor and kick Reapers’ ass. Or in the middle of the night, startled by some noise, I wake up convinced I am aboard the Normandy and we are under attack. I addressed my apartment's VI EDI so many times, I have considered reprogramming it.

There are nights when I can fall asleep only when my combat drone is quietly floating nearby. Or when all my energy is gone and all I can do, is sit on a sofa and just stare in front of me. 

Miranda and Dr Chakwas are here regularly, asking questions, giving me medication, praising the progress of my physical therapy. Yet fighting the war is so ingrained in my life, it’s difficult to find anything meaningful that would fill my days. I was, after all, resurrected from death only to defeat the Reapers.

I often feel like an old gun, one that was meticulously repaired, polished and is now placed in a secure vitrine, only to be awed of.

Of course the public cannot know the full truth about my mental health. I gave a short interview after my release from the hospital. Now I live in my Citadel apartment and I rarely leave. Press is requesting my commentary on one thing or another nearly every day, but unless it’s Council business, I ignore them.

Shrinks are, of course, having a field day. I think I saw six or eight different people, who boasted about knowing how to help me the moment their ass hit my sofa. But I cannot talk about what happened with them, they  _were not there._  They are all civilians, who never held a gun in their life. 

Last week, however, this guy came. He did not talk much, neither tried to get me into talking. We drank our coffee and he told me about his memories of the war. He was a psychologist in a hospital in Toronto and when the Reapers hit, he joined Anderson’s resistance. 

It was him, who suggested writing down the most important events instead of talking about them.

“You have survived the war, Admiral,” he told me. “You cannot undo, nor forget the past. You have to learn how to live with it.” 

And so here I am. Sitting at my table, with papers and pen in my hand. I asked Kasumi to help me secure a place for this. Knowing nobody will read it is making me bold enough to write about what happened. 

Gods know I have postponed remembering my past long enough.

* * *

How did Anderson put it? Tombstone data. Seems fitting. 

My name is Terra Shepard. I was born 11 April 2154. The year is 2188 and Milky Way is recovering from the war with the Reapers. War I have led and somehow survived. 

I now hold the rank of an Admiral, but I am best known for being Commander Shepard. I have other monikers too: The hero of Elysium. The sole survivor of Akuze. The savior of the Citadel. The first human Spectre. I was called Commander so many times, I am sure people have forgotten my first name altogether. Even now, many people call me Commander. I just smile, they usually quickly correct themselves, but for me it is the reminder of how little people really know about me. 

I was born into a military family. My father died when I was in basics, my mother is now Admiral as well. I have lived on ships and stations all my life, mostly with my mother, my father stayed with us when his posting allowed it. I am the only child. My friends were children from other military families, but we did not stay in touch when our parents were redeployed.

I have never really questioned my nomadic life, it was all I ever knew. The less I had, the less I could lose, I often told myself. Friendships I formed before I enlisted, were fleeting, I scarcely remember their names.

It was in basics when I finally learnt what it means to have friends. It was that bond you share with another person in a tough situation, the feeling of being able to rely on one another, to ask for help. It is difficult to explain it in words for me, but any soldier knows intimately what I am talking about.

I also met Timothy Morgenstern. He was from a military family as well and asked me to call him Tim. What started as an easy flirtation, quickly escalated into a serious relationship. I tried not to get too attached, but I could not help myself, it was not my usual sex-only relationship anymore. He was my first love, however cheesy that sounds.

In 2176, I spent my shore leave on Elysium with Tim and a few other friends I knew from basics. They all were crucial in repelling the pirates attack, yet it was me who was hailed hero by the press. But they did not envy me, quite the contrary -- their friendship helped me stay sane during the media shitstorm that followed me everywhere for the months afterwards. 

I will not repeat what happened there, the Skyllium Blitz was well documented and retold in media so many times we all even stopped joking about that. And with every retelling, the real events grew smaller and my involvement was more and more exaggerated. 

#  Akuze

I was really happy I would get to work with my friends, the little group of misfits, again when I read the details about my Akuze posting. It sounded so easy -- find out what happened to the pioneer team and report back within the given time frame. I suspected we would find out some natural disaster -- there was always one reason or another why a viable planet was not colonized already.

We brainstormed about what happened to the team on our way there. We agreed on the fact, that it was most likely an environmental issue, none of their reports mentioned anything about a civilization or alien settlement of any sort. Not even Prothean ruins were found, which ruled out pirates. 

Our intel was sketchy on the details, to say the least. We knew there were 20 men living in prefab houses for the last 3 months and until recently they reported about their progress on a regular basis. Their job was to build a first settlement and lay ground for the first wave of colonists. Which meant learning about how the colony could sustain itself -- finding local edible fauna and flora, regions suitable for agriculture, mineral resources, etc. None of the reports warned about danger -- the only thing worth a note were scattered holes in the ground, some of them mouths of longer tunnels. They suspected them to be a sign of an underground cave system, but nothing more.

We landed on a LZ close to where the pioneer team lived in prefabs and quickly scouted the area. It was positively creepy, we did not even found their bodies. No signs of struggle, no blood stains, no bullet holes nor marks of explosions. There was even food and medical supplies left in their storage -- it was like everybody just left everything behind them and vanished. 

It was decided we would not bunk in their houses, in case the danger, whatever it was, came back. We made our camp one click away on a riverbank at the edge of a vast plain. We set up guards rotations, placed mines and started to study the intel we found in the settlement. 

I asked Tim to transfer all the reports to one datapad and my omnitool (backups are a good thing, yes?) and sat in front of a tent with coffee in hand to read the logs of the commanding officer, Charles Ericsson.

_12 Sep 2177_

_Andrássy found another of those weird holes yesterday. It’s north from the base, precise navPoint is attached, and he came back all bewildered -- he told everyone how he felt the ground move beneath his feet. We sent a drone into the hole, but it returned without anything conclusive. It was just like any other -- just a tunnel in the ground. None of our seismic sensors in base registered anything and Andrássy later theoreticized it was a result of a larger caving in of an underground cave system located under our base. But he repeated “Something big moved down there!” to anyone who would listen._

_However, today around 1315, we felt a similar tremor closer to us and we could finally at least attempt to triangulate a location of the epicentre._

_Andrássy ran the calculations many times over, but with every iteration he was more and more agitated and convinced of an underground disaster just waiting to happen. I even considered ordering our medic to give him something to cool down, his yapping is annoying to say the least._

_I do not believe we are in grave danger, but if there is indeed a cave system under our location, then this location is not a viable place for a settlement -- heavier buildings has to be built on a solid ground, not some ementaler-like rock._

_Before we proceed any further, we have to either confirm or refute his theory, and he created a test just for that. Therefore, I will personally lead a group, that will investigate the holes in the area. We leave tomorrow at 0600, get him the damned readings and come back._

_Andrássy voiced his concern about our lives, so I gave him the order take the rest of the men and look for us in case we did not come back in 24 hrs. But he’s just paranoid, I did it only to placate him._

_< Attached is a map, with a list of NavPoints with points of interest, and a list of names>_

I put the datapad aside and drank the rest of my coffee. So the first group left to investigate, ran some tests, did not come back. Then a second team went looking for them and did not return either. Lovely. Andrássy was, according to his dossier, an expert geologist in his fifties, who spent most of his career in colonial affairs. If he thought the holes could pose a problem, I would not diminish his warnings so quickly. But his name was not on the list, which meant he stayed behind and led the rescue efforts. Perhaps his notes and reports would gave us some answers, but there were 200 pages of geology I did not understand much and I was tired and hungry. I forwarded the document to Phillipa, our science specialist.

Tim sat beside me and handed me a ration pack, interrupting my thoughts. “Did you find anything interesting, darling?” 

I huffed. I did not like being called  _darling_  or  _my dear_  while on deployment, I was in charge after all. And he knew it, too, the smiling bastard, because he was very well aware of my annoyance. He did it on purpose. I ignored it and started to chew my dinner. 

“I think we should remove the mines,” I said between the bites, looking at the peaceful horizon. It was too peaceful here and everybody was on edge. “Their geologist Andrássy suspected the settlement to be placed above an underground cave system. Commanding officer Ericsson, was sceptical to the idea, but they are all gone without a trace.”

He nodded. “So no boom and no repetitive banging to the ground. Oh, that would also mean no fucking, my dear?” 

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Lieutenant. Make sure the mines are disarmed tonight by 2000.” There were days when all he said were jokes. We were here to find out that happened to our people and he thinks about  sex ? What is he, twelve? If he keeps this up, then next time he will make fart jokes during debriefing.

“Aye, aye, ma’am.” He jumped to his feet, half-heartedly saluted me and barked some orders at our engineers, who promptly got to work. In the falling dusk I saw their figures, moving quickly and quietly to carry out my order.

I was looking around the camp. Those who were not on active duty turned in into their tents already. I faintly heard the sound of Anton’s guitar and laughs over a game of cards. 

Tim returned and sat next to me. “It’s nearly done, Terra. I doubled the patrols to make-up for the mines.” 

“Good thinking, thank you, Tim.” I gave him a quick peck on his cheek. He did not deserve my grumpiness.

“My pleasure, Terra,“ I heard him grin in the dark, then he quickly went back to business. “None of the data I read provided anything interesting. The water here is drinkable, grass is green and the plains north of us are suitable for raising crop. People nicknamed the holes devil’s ass, because they sometimes smell foul, which could mean gas deposits in  the  caves.” 

I rubbed my face. This was like a setup of a cheap detective novel. All we had was a ghost town and weird holes in the ground, which were the only leads we had. I stifled a yawn. I was dead on my feet, no way I could read the rest of the documents now. 

I sighed. “There are around 200 pages of Andrássy’s logs and notes left to analyze. Phillipa is the best person to look into it. I’ll go talk to her.”

He nodded and I saw his white teeth flash in the dark. “You do that, beautiful, I’ll wait for you here.” 

My dear friend Philippa Eilhart was our science specialist. People often saw her as weird, but I  loved working with her. I summarized Ericsson’s notes to her and asked her to dig into Andrássy’s data asap. She assured me she would start right away to be able to present her findings during the morning’s briefing. I just hoped she could find something of note.

Tim was still sitting in front of my tent. I fell on a ground next to him with a thud. “I am done,” I exclaimed and rubbed my eyes. He put his arm around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. “Even though you are the one giving orders, I like being on a deployment with you. It means I get to see you all day.” His hand was moving slowly up and down my back in an intimate gesture.

“Yep. But we knew what we were getting into when we started dating, right? You don’t regret it, do you?” I had to ask him about that, there was something in his voice I could not quite put my finger on it. 

“Of course not, darling. I am merely appreciating the fact that I could ogle your lovely ass all day. Even if it’s hidden under your armor.”

I relaxed. The jokes were back. ”You’re the one to talk. You are as twice as big in your heavy armor.”

Tim chuckled at my attempt at a joke and kissed my hand. “Can you imagine us as colonists though? Get up early every day, raise the crops, take children to school... Discussions over family dinners? Sleep together in the same bed every night?”

I tensed. Children. Stationary life. Where he saw discussions, I saw arguments over the smallest things. Routine killing the enjoyment in our lives, bit by bit every day. From his list I liked only the last point about sleeping in the same bed. 

“Have you ever seen me with a plant, Tim? Come first winter, we’d starve to death,” I deflected. I was not in a mood for a serious talk. “But I like the part about sleeping in the same bed every night. Does it mean daily sex?” 

He snorted and puffed his chest in a mock gesture. “Of course, my darling! How can you expect me to resist the love of my life?”

Love of … wait, what? We hinted at our feelings for each other, yet none of us uttered the L-word. Until now. 

Tim noticed my hesitation and whispered into my ear.“I love you, Terra Shepard. Surely you must know that.” 

He was waiting for my answer. But I was unable to give it to him. Fucking hell. Why did he had to screw up a perfectly good moment? I felt like anything I would have said at that moment, short of the reply he was waiting for, would make things worse. 

I abruptly stood up. “It’s late. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

Tim’s body stiffened, his features hardened, yet all he said was “Aye, aye,” and left. Just like that. 

I forced myself to stop counting how many times I have replayed this scene in my head, wishing I have done anything differently.

But back then, I was relieved he left. In a record time I brushed my teeth, cleaned my gun and lay in my sleeping bag. Even though I was tired, I had a hard time falling asleep. I even started to regret my words. I knew I loved him, but voicing emotions were never my strong suit. “I love you too,” I whispered to the darkness.

I tossed and turned until I decided to confess to him the next evening. Then I finally fell asleep.

The next day was as warm and sunny as the previous one and I therefore heard more than a few complaints about wearing an armor, but I stood my ground. Until we know what happened to the lost team, nothing less than a full armor was allowed. 

Philippa, efficient as ever, reported on her findings from the geologist’s notes.  

“According to his observations of the clay, and data from geological probes, the holes appeared recently, his estimation is a few months at most. His theory was that all of them are a sign of a underground cave system, but that does not sufficiently explain the tremors he felt. Also, the group led by commanding officer Ericsson planned to emulate seismic waves, that could help us map the hypothetical caves. Yet none of the geological equipment in the base recorded anything, that could be a sign of an underground cave system.” 

I wanted to scream with frustration. But Philippa was not finished with her report yet. 

“What do you propose, specialist?” I asked her calmly. If there was something to be deduced from the data, she was the only one who could have done that. 

“I find suspicious that all the holes in the ground have the same radius of cca 164 cms. The deviation is under 2 cms,” she said. “Majority of them were also observed as a mouth of an underground tunnel. I therefore theoretize the holes and the tunnels are of an artificial origin. To confirm this, I would like to investigate the place where the first group disappeared, ma’am.”

“So the devil’s farts burned tunnels from hell all the way up to the ground,” Tim mumbled and for once I was happy he did so, because Phillipa’s note about the origin of the tunnels was unsettling to say the least.

“Thank you for sharing your amusing hypothesis, Lieutenant Morgenstern,” I dryly observed and turned my attention back to Philippa. 

“We leave in a hour to investigate the spot where the teams were last seen. Specialist Eilhart, propose a way how to learn more about the phenomenon. Dismissed.” 

* * *

We reached the area shortly after noon. Temperature was rising, the sun was highest above the horizon, yet nobody complaint about the order about armor. Funny, how we call the local star sun, no matter what planet are we on. 

Phillipa quickly activated her omnitool and scanner and got to work. There were three holes in the ground, all were the beginning of a tunnel leading underground. She crouched at the edge of the eastern one and sent a drone inside. 

I holstered my gun and stood beside her. We watched the drone disappear, the reddish light quickly gone.

“No radioactive or other dangerous radiation, Terra. The walls of the tunnel are free of any feathers, scales or tissue, that would point to an animal. Nothing that could explain the smell reported by the team. There are however traces of a clay different from a clay in this area. That could mean whatever made these tunnels came from quite a distance.” 

I nodded. It was a very interesting problem when one thought about that and not about the vanishing act of the first colonists. “Why was this not reported by Andrássy?” 

Philippa squirmed. “I may have … acquired a prototype of a new scanner, Terra.” Meaning she was using an untested, probably illegal technology. I sighed. 

“As long as it helps us find out what happened here, I will let it slide, Phil.” I leaned in closer. “But you will have to explain how you have gathered such detailed data in your report, understood?” 

“Thanks, Terra. I will.” We both heard the rumors about the illegal AI research that costed one N7 his job. 

Her omnitool beeped. She quickly typed some commands on the interface and huffed in frustration. “Nothing new from the drone, Terra. The tunnel ends after 214 meters. It found nothing of note. I suggest we look more closely around.” 

Extended order. Always hated it, but now it was the best we could do. Yet after a few hours of turning every stone, we did not find anything and the day was ending. 

I called off the search and ordered to make camp. I removed my helmet and wiped my forehead. 

“Lieutenant Shepard, ma’am.” That was weird. Philippa avoided oficial addressing as much as she could. 

“What is it, specialist,” I barked. Illegal technology on top of the pointless search. What a day. 

Sensing my temper, Philippa was blissfully short. “I propose we replicate the test Ericsson’s group ran. Otherwise, I am out of options, ma’am.” 

“And why didn’t we perform the tests sooner, specialist?” We may be friends, but we had a job to do, and time was wasting.

She flinched under my gaze. “Because I thought my scanner would give us the answers, ma’am.” 

I reigned in my temper. At least she was telling me the truth. “We suit up, then you do it. And link my omnitool with yours, so I have the all the readings in real time as well.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am,” she snapped a salute and quickly got to work. She activated her omnitool and three drones appeared. My omnitool confirmed incoming data link with a single beep.

“Attention everyone!” I yelled. I did not need to be so loud, but it felt good to vent some of my frustration from the day. ”Specialist Eilhart will run one last test for the day. Suit up and stay sharp!” 

We did not know what we were facing, so I split my squad into three groups, one around every drone, in case they attracted something dangerous. As soon as we were ready, Philippa started the test and the drones floated underground into the tunnels. 

Everyone listened to the drones’ sounds. It was nearly dark and the red glow from the drones lit the tunnels.  _Now they indeed look like a tunnel to hell,_ I thought bitterly. 

But nothing happened. The drones came back to the ground after couple of minutes and Philippa deactivated them with a sigh. 

“Specialist, report!” 

“The readings are the same as those I obtained from my drone earlier today, ma’am,” she replied with a sigh. “I have nothing more.” 

“Acknowledged. That’s it for today, everyone.” 

I was frustrated we did not find anything. With more force than necessary, I erected my tent and tore the rations pack open. We have to keep looking then, but I was out of ideas. I also had a conversation with Tim about our future ahead of me. Even though I decided to come clean about my feelings for him, I felt that day was the worst day for such confessions. Ever.  

We never really talked about what we wanted from life. We talked about our deployments, our families, tried to synchronize our shore leaves, argued about politics … But not a word about a life outside Alliance Navy. 

I have always pictured myself as a career woman. If I was drunk enough, I may have admitted I could see myself getting married, but not with children. Being a soldier was all I have ever known. Bringing a child into this world was simply not for me. Why did he bring it up anyway? He could have waited after the mission, on shore leave. We had booked a few days in a seaside hotel on Earth and I was looking forward to enjoying the waves, ice-cream and casual sex. Gods. I threw the empty ration packet to bag with other trash and sat down to clean my sidearm. 

“Terra.”

Tim sat, cross-legged in front of me. He was still in his armor, but he already removed his helmet.

I lifted my head to look at him. “I understand what you are trying to do here, Tim, but it has to wait until shore leave. I have to focus all my energy on finding out what happened here and I cannot be sidelined. Neither can you, not as my second-in-command.” I was being a bitch and I did not care.

He shook his head. “Terra,” he repeated slowly. “Our lives have always been military first, personal lives second. But you cannot simply order me to love you during shore leave only. And you cannot do it either,” he pointed out. He had a point, I had to admit that. “Not even the great Hero of the Blitz can do that,” he teased me. 

I lost it. “No? Watch me, Lieutenant,” I growled. I reassembled my clean sidearm and holstered it. “I can do whatever the fuck I want. And right now, I want to focus on the task at hand and not on an idiotic bunch of hormones, understood?”

Tim sighed and took my hand. “Don’t be so cold, Terra. You will --” 

His words were interrupted by a quake. Everyone jumped on their feet, weapons in hand. From the corner of my eyes, I registered people suiting up in their armor as fast as possible.

“Eilhart, report!” I yelled over the noise. The ground was moving beneath our feet and we were looking around ourselves and at the ground to see anything. 

“It is not a quake, ma’am! Something is moving underground!” I heard a fear in her voice. The same fear I saw in the faces around me. 

“Spread wide!” I ordered. “Arm heavy weapons!” Not knowing what we were up against was always the worst. 

After a few seconds, the maw emerged out one of the holes and started spitting acid on us. I write maw now, but at that time, we did not know what it was and all we saw was a giant worm-like creature, which made it even more terrifying. Its head, for the lack of the better word, grabbed a few people and quickly dragged them underground. A few soldiers ran to the edge and tried to help them, but they disappeared too. 

Silence stretched. Then one of the young privates yelled for a medic. I was stunned, but we had no time for a long tactical analysis, because we started to feel movement underneath us again. The first attack of the maw lasted no more than a few seconds. 

“It will come up again! Hit it with everything you got!” I yelled. “Biotics, barriers! Throw grenades in the holes!” I activated my drone and set it up to launch small rockets at it. 

But the maw’s acid burned through our shields and nothing we could have done seemed to be working, not even a scratch. After a few seconds, it went underground again. Any further attack was pointless.

“Retreat! Retreat!”  

But the maw came up and up again and every time it surfaced, it downed another part of my squad underground. Tim tried to free Philipa from the maw’s grasp, but could not grab her with enough force to keep her over ground. “Let go of me!” cried Phil, “it will catch you too --- argh!” 

But Tim, the damned hero Tim, did not. I wanted to help him, but I was too slow to reach him in time. And I was helpless to watch him go under. “Love you, Terra…” were his last words. Then his bloodied head disappeared and an acid hit me. I cried out, it was worse than any fire burns I have ever gotten. With trembling hands I activated my decoy and tried to crawl away to hide behind the solitary tree at the edge of our camp. The maw came back for two more attacks and then there was silence. I managed to administre to myself the last dose of medigel I got before I lost consciousness

* * *

When I came to, it was morning. The acid wound burned like hell, my vision was blurred, but I managed to stand. I saw the remnants of our camp around me. Everything was still in the dead calm. And the smell, gods, the acidic smell was everywhere.

Dread washed over me. All I heard were my labored breaths.

“Anybody alive?” My voice was hoarse. “Tim! Philippa! Toombs! Anybody!” I coughed.

I let go of the tree and on shaking legs I set up to find the distress beacon we had. I activated it and promptly lost consciousness again. 

* * *

Next time I opened my eyes, I was at a hospital. I was confused how I got there, the last thing I remembered was the ruined camp on Akuze and the terrible smell in the air.

I tried to lift my hands to look at them, but they were so heavy and I saw myself connected to some monitors. My eyes were closing and I lost consciousness again.

* * *

I was told I was under for two weeks. They gradually woke me up and I was conscious for a few hours every day. My injuries were not serious, the worst was the large acid burn on my back and my legs, that required extensive skin drafts and frequent re-dressing. 

I demanded to know what happened to my squad, but they were reluctant to tell me the whole truth. I learnt I was given first aid by field medic from the extraction team and later transported to Huerta, to burn ward to get special treatment for the acid burns. 

“You are the only survivor, Lieutenant, I am very sorry,” one of the doctors finally admitted. 

It didn’t take long until I was told the rest of it. Engineers extracted what data they could from my omnitool and identified the creature as a thresher maw. Another squad was deployed, armed to teeth in tanks and killed the three maws that were on the planet, thus making Akuze viable for colonization. 

Mum visited me a two days before I was scheduled to be discharged on a medical leave. She spent few hours at my bedside every day. She even managed to get a shore leave and wanted to care for me during my convalescence. Stubborn as I was, I refused to stay at her place, so we made a compromise -- both of us stayed on the Citadel, she in one of Alliance’s apartments for visiting officers, I stayed in my tiny Citadel apartment in the Wards. 

Every day, she took me to the physical therapy and then to lunch, followed by a coffee. We would then part ways and we would meet again for dinner.  Luckily, she understood my need for privacy and did not push me into staying with her. 

Her shore leave was only one week long, but I did not mind. I needed to be alone to cope with my grief. To give her some peace of mind, I agreed to keeping in touch via regular messages. 

The docs insisted I talked to a therapist. I did not protest, I knew they had to write a report on my health before I could get back into the thick of it.

So I made an appointment with one of the psychologists and forced myself to talk about how I lost all my friends in one hour. The guy listened carefully, tried to look attentive and made a few notes. When the hour was up, he thanked me for all the hard work I have done that day and promised to sent his evaluation to my superiors the next day. 

_Hard work, my ass_ , I thought on my way back to my apartment.  If only I could run faster, could lift more, then perhaps I could drag at least Tim out or the maw’s grasp.

I unlocked my apartment, threw my bag in the corner and made myself a cup of coffee. The mug was warming my hands and I focused on the feeling and the smell of the coffee with traces of vanilla -- I sweeten my coffee with vanilla sugar. A habit I picked from my mother. 

It was still early in the evening and I did not know what to do with all the time on my hands. It was too early to go to bed, and I did not feel like going out. I scrubbed my apartment clean the previous day, all surfaces were now spotless and shiny, laundry folded in wardrobes. I was itching to go to the gym, but my skin grafts required a few more days of no physical activity. Any workout could undo all the hard work of the burn specialists in Huerta and I did not want to extend my medical leave any further. 

I sat at my table and placed the coffee next to my terminal. Automatically, I powered it up and opened my messages. I wrote my mother in the morning, but she had not replied yet. I did not expect her to reply so soon anyway, but I saw a notification she opened my message.

With nothing to do, I was growing more and more restless, fingers drumming next to the keyboard, feet tapping under the table. It became unbearable, so I jumped of my seat and dragged hands over my face. I paced around the tiny apartment, in a futile attempt to get rid of the excess nervous energy pulsing through my body. Punching bag would be great, but alas.

My thoughts were going back to Akuze and to Tim. How could he die, when he loved me? Did I make any mistakes in handling the mission? Could I have done anything differently? Save at least one person? If I ran faster, could I reach Tim in time to drag him to safety? 

_Don’t be so hard on yourself, Terra_ , my mother tried to calm me, when we talked about it. You have saved yourself. You got the invaluable intel on thresher maws -- that got you many commendations. You are on a shortlist for a medal. 

_Fuck medal_ , I thought bitterly.  _I want my friends back. I have never wanted any of this!_

* * *

In the end, I took one of the sedatives I was prescribed. It calmed me down enough to make myself a dinner. I ate it whil e  watching a vid, not really registering the taste of the food. I spent the rest of day browsing the extranet and watching vids. I went to sleep around midnight. 

The next day I woke up at noon, feeling groggy. Sleeping with sedatives was making me tired, so I tried to battle it by drinking lots of coffee. Nervousness from the previous day was replaced by sadness and a deep feeling of loss. Though I like it a bit more than my nervousness -- I took it as a sign of moving forward by a glacial pace. 

My medical leave was planned for two more days. The last day I was supposed to see the doctors for my final check of the skin grafts, and I would hopefully get a message about my next assignment. 

I idled around my apartment until dinner time, until I thought  _fuck it,_  changed into my civvies and hit the bar. I did not feel like drinking a lot, I did not feel safe enough in the crowded Purgatory to do so. I felt like someone took all my feelings and just poured them away like a water from a cup. I struggled to feel  _anything_ , to assure myself I was alive. I entered the bar and welcomed the anonymous mass of bodies and the ever present loud sound of music. 

Cocktail in hand, I was looking at the faces of people around me. A group of asari were talking about Kepesh-Yakshi tournament on Thessia. Alliance soldiers were drinking shots and talking about their shore leave plans. Three turians in one of the booths were in a heated discussion about the latest sniper rifles mods.

I sighed. I could not understand how can they talk about such trivialities, when my friends were dead. Perhaps another drink was in order.

I patiently waited for the bartender, when I heard an accented voice next to me: “I think this is the first time I saw you here.”

I turned to face the speaker. He was a human man, looked around 10 years my senior, with tanned skin and very dark eyes. I could not quite place his accent, was it italian? But it did not matter. He was dressed in expensive suit, perhaps one of lobbyists or bankers working here on the Citadel. Also, he didn’t seem to recognize me, which was an unexpected bonus -- no questions about Akuze. 

“I am not on Citadel often,” I admitted. “Even less often in this bar,” I added. 

“I find it hard to believe I would not notice you earlier.” His smirk turned into a full smile. 

“Sir, you flatter me,” I smiled too. “Please, continue.”  

He flashed his pearly white teeth. “Let me buy you a drink then, beautiful.” 

We sat at one of the tables under the dance floor and talked for the better part of the hour. I vehemently refused all requests for dancing, claiming a recent injury made me very clumsy. His intentions were soon apparent and the more drinks I consumed, the less shit I gave. I pushed all sadness from my mind and played this age-old game with him, until we stopped all pretences, he put a hand on my thigh and whispered into my ear: “My place, then?”

I nodded. Easier to sneak out than to throw him out.

The sex was not bad, he was very skilled with his tongue I recall, and I sneaked out as soon as he fell asleep after the intercourse. I did not leave any contact details behind, it was clear all we wanted was partner for the night. 

That was the first of the many one-night stands I had. I find it very satisfying: there was another warm living body touching mine and the hormones produced during sex were a great stress reliever. No emotions, no commitment, no expectations about declarations of love, nobody to mourn me if I die. 

But as I grew more and more famous, it became harder and harder to find someone, who was not flirting with me just because I was the great Commander Shepard. There were times when I had more or less regular fuck buddy and that arrangement worked well until my partner declared they wanted “more”, which meant I ceased all contacts with them. Then I died and my world turned upside down, but that is a story for another day. 

* * *

Back to the Akuze aftermath. My medical report turned out OK. I did not pass with flying colors, but the psychologist (who had the veto about me going back to active duty) reported no conditions that would require further treatment. He even claimed that  _growing up in military family and the loss of Lt. Shepard’s father prepared her well for the possibility of losing comrades. Psychological state is as expected. Return to active duty recommended._

And that’s how I found myself on an early morning flight to Arcturus station and to my next posting immediately after my medical leave was ended. 

I pushed mourning my friends out my mind when I was in the field -- the rumor mill was in overdrive, spinning great tales about how I survived thresher maw’s attack. I could not talk about what happened with my members of my squad and I did not want to force myself. I wrote to my mum regularly, but I find it hard to mention my loss in these messages too. Looking back now, I was sure she could read my sorrow between the lines, but I could not formulate it, not even to her.

I was keeping to myself and spent the downtime between missions either working out or honing my engineering skills. I allowed myself to mourn my friends every day for a few moments before going to sleep -- nobody saw me in my sleeper pod and I could even shed a tear or two. I have always hated crying, but the stress relief was undeniable. 

Often I wondered if such lonely life was worth living, but I kept going. I still missed my friends, but shrinks told me I should honor their deaths by living. 

* * *

When I received the invitation to the Villa, I did not first fully understand how big change the training would mean to me. I just shrugged, accepted it and went on about my duties. When asked, I replied  Yes, I am going to the N1 training. Yes, I hope I will pass too. Thank you. 

When I became an N7 and my armor was decorated with the famous insignia, it took me a while to get used to the quiet whenever I entered a room, or to the awe in the eyes of privates fresh out of basics. Many soldiers were talking to me just because I was an N7 -- it was like the aftermath of the Blitz all over again and it made me feel more and more isolated. 

Lucky for me, during an N7 course I met a guy who had the same approach to sex as I had and  we were fuck buddies up until I was posted on the Normandy. 


	2. Normandy SR-1. Post-Virmire, Arcturus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra becomes the CO of the Normandy, at the expense of her mentor.  
> The difficult decision she had to make on the Virmire weighs heavily on her.  
> Who would know the burden of command as well as she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks, I am happy you came back for chapter two. I am not overly fond of a description of in-game events in fics, I will focus on what happened between missions and on Terra's thoughts and her dealing with events.
> 
> And as always, all the kudos and chocolate to my awesome beta, AinZaphir.

#  Normandy SR-1

Normandy SR-1. The crown jewel of the fleet everybody wanted to serve on. When my mother learned I was promoted to the XO, reporting to Captain Anderson, she took me to a celebratory fancy dinner on the Citadel. 

She was overjoyed and touched, gushing about my future stellar career during the meal, but I remained mostly quiet. I knew I was chosen for the job because my reputation as a cold-hearted bitch preceded me. They chose me because I always got the job done no matter what.  The loss of everyone I held dear on Akuze forged me into the ruthless soldier I was back then. The bitter irony of owning my success to the deaths of my loved ones was not lost on me.

“... and David is the best commanding officer you could possibly hope for, Terra,” my mother finished and drank deeply from her wine glass. My nearly untouched wine was standing next to my plate. I still avoided getting drunk like plague. I knew mum would not drink while on duty, but back then I was annoyed by her drinking, even though she did not drink much.

“You know him well, mum?” 

That question caught her off guard. I remember my father was friends with him and Admiral Hackett, but since my father’s death, I have never heard her mention either of them. 

She was contemplating her answer for a few moments.

“I think I used to know him, Terra,” she slowly started. “Both David and Steven Hackett. But they were very close to your father. I knew them only because of him.” She wanted to drink more of the wine but found her glass empty. She poured herself another from the bottle and sat back, absentmindedly swirling it in her right hand. 

I studied her face. I saw the wrinkles next to her eyes, the streaks of grey hair in her strawberry blonde bob, a hairstyle and colour we had in common. Her lipstick was almost gone, it’s traces were left on her glass and she was very pale. Her eyes shined, glossy from all the alcohol she consumed. I thought about the toll the life in the uniform was taking on her.  _Will I look the same at her age? What made her drink more than usual tonight?_

She did not elaborate further, and I did not reply. Another reminder of a loss in my life. We have spoken about my father’s death together, but we discussed what it meant for me to lose a father, she did not mention how hard it must have been for her to lose a life-partner. She was never the same person after his death -- a part of her died with him. 

I did not recall her mentioning seeing anyone else. 

A waiter came and took our empty plates. I ordered a dessert -- real food, not simply heated rations, was one of my favourite life luxuries I could indulge myself only on shore leave. 

When I finished my cake, I felt pleasantly full. In a few days time, I would be boarding the Normandy and hopefully would start a new chapter in my life. 

“Let me propose a toast, Terra,” my mother lifted her glass. “To all the great things you will accomplish aboard the Normandy.” Her voice was not entirely steady, it was the wine speaking.

I smirked. She may be drunk, but she was still my mother, who was alive and fighting my corner. “To all the great things. OK, mum, I will do my best.”  

Our glasses clinked together and I allowed myself to feel a tiny glimpse of hope. 

* * *

Becoming the CO of the Normandy felt like stealing her from Captain Anderson. Or being forced into fixing his mess somehow. I could not decide which. He tried to assure me it was not the case, but it was like a forced generation change in the Captain’s seat to me. 

But there was little I could do against it, so I did what I have always done -- accepted the inevitable and focused on the task at hand -- to bring down Saren. 

Looking back now, I thought our hunt for Saren really started on Virmire -- all the missions before were tough, but in comparison, they felt like a prelude to learning the truth about the Reapers. 

I remembered my mother’s toast when we were leaving Virmire and I watched the nuke cloud from orbit.  _Great things indeed, mum. >_

#  Post-Virmire, Arcturus

We flew to Arcturus straight from Virmire, to restock and let the engineers check the Normandy. I have used the time to give the crew a 24-hour shore leave. Everybody left the ship as soon as they could to get the most of the unplanned time off. I was in my cabin, finishing my report to send it to brass asap. 

The door pinged and Ashley stepped in. She was in her civvies, looking very determined.

“Let us remember Kaidan, skipper,” Ashley said and dragged me to a bar. 

So here I was, sitting in my civvies (“I know you own them, Shepard, not even you were born in the uniform!”) at the table near one of the big windows, drinking whiskey with Ashley. 

We did not talk much and it seemed to suited us both. There was so much unsaid, but words would not fix it. I was sad and angry and wanted Saren killed, preferably by my bare hands. I kinda hoped that after Akuze, I would not lose any more under my command, though deep down I knew it was a fool’s hope. 

I sighed and knocked down another shot. We ordered a scotch, which reminded me of my father.

Karl, one of the young propulsion engineers, was slouching at the bar. Rumour had it, he was head over heels for Kaidan. Not knowing any better, Karl was trying to find a cure for his broken heart at the bottom of the liquor bottle. I wished there existed a cure for a broken heart -- I sure could use it at that time. The two men I loved most, Tim and Kaidan, were KIA under my command. Not easy to live  with . 

I sighed. I sacrificed Kaidan like a pawn to win a game. Pawns could be replaced, the game could not. If I kept forming attachments, there surely would be a game I will lose because of it. I wondered if Karl could understand this -- the ruthless calculus of war, where victory was only made possible by deaths like Kaidan’s.

Ashley noticed me watching the engineer and sighed. “Poor kid. To him, you are now worse than Saren. In his eyes, you first stole his sweetheart, then you let him die to guard the nuke.”  It was an open secret, that Kaidan had feelings for me, but only Ashley knew he acted on them -- he bunked more than one night with me. And I wanted it to stay that way.

I did not say anything. She was right. But alas, there was not anything I could do about it now. 

Ashley examined her glass, the poured herself one last shot, downed it in one go and stood up. “I better go check on him, skipper,” she said, gesturing towards Karl. “I’ve had enough, and so has he. I’ll make sure to bring him safely back to the ship.” 

I nodded. “Thanks, Ashley. I think I’ll stay a bit longer.” I needed some time on my own, away from the ship.

“Skipper,” she nodded and left. 

I watched Ashley talk to Karl and then helping him stand. He had trouble walking, so Ashley had to support him. He shot a hateful glare in my direction, but did not say anything and left with her.

I sighed. Fuck. I missed Kaidan, but deep down I knew our romance would be very short lived. I was ruthless when the situation called for it, he was a naive romantic. Fling was probably a better term for what we had. At least on my part. The chats and the few nights we had were great, but … There was only so much sex could keep together and I did not think our affair would have lasted past our first shore leave. 

I poured myself another shot and looked out of the window. The near panic fear of getting drunk and thus losing the ability to defend myself eased a bit, but still, I drank only in environments I deemed safe. 

I was enjoying my drink, just watching the stars, when I heard a distinctive voice behind me.

“Commander.” 

I stood and saluted. “Admiral Hackett, sir.” 

“At ease,” he said. He gestured to the empty seat opposite me. “Are you waiting for someone?”

“No, sir. Ashley has already left.” He nodded and took the chair opposite me. 

“Chief Williams.”

“Yes, sir. Drink?” I offered him whiskey. I could not recall him frequenting this bar -- rumors had it, he was rarely seen in the officer’s bar as well.  Why was he here?  And he came straight to me. 

“Thank you.” The waiter brought him a clean glass and he poured himself a shot. 

We sat in silence for a while. Both of us seemed deep in thought. 

“That was a hell of a mission, Shepard,” Hackett said after a while. My eyebrows rose up. How much did he know besides my report? “STG shared Captain Kirrahe’s report,” he explained. “You did the best you could there.”

Oh. 

I was watching his expression, unbelieving. I have lost an officer, we had nuked a planet, and he called it my best? Really? Though I have to admit, his reaction was better than the knowing silence or the sympathetic glances I got from my crew. What do they know about making hard choices anyway?

I tried to wipe all emotions from my face. “Thank you, sir.”

Hackett was nursing his drink, not adding anything. I did not know what to say either, so I resigned to get drunk in the presence of my commanding officer and poured myself another shot.

A silence stretched between us, yet it was not unpleasant. After a few moments, he spoke up: “In the end, you are always alone with your actions and their consequences. But it does not mean you have to bear it all on your own.” What was he saying?

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

He nods. “Of course.”

“I made all the decisions when they were needed. It was my call in the end. My crew, both Alliance and aliens, they just followed me. They did not really question my decisions. Sometimes all I hear is ‘yes ma’am’. Commander may very well become my given name.” Perhaps I have shared more than I should or wanted to. I was agitated -- the alcohol and exhaustion played some part too, but damn, it felt good to finally have it off my chest. The sad truth was, I felt alone. Shore leaves were always the hardest. 

He was watching me intently, then he kicked back his drink.

“Being in charge is a lonely place to be,” he said and poured himself another glass. Guess I was not the only one who would like to forget the burden of command today. 

“Oh boy, don’t I know that,” I mumbled and finished my drink. I turned to face him. The question of his motivation behind his presence here again resurfaced in my tired mind. He could have written to me about the reports. But his face betrayed no emotions, on the outside, he was his usual composed, professional self. 

Back when my dad was alive, Hackett and Anderson would sometimes visit us. They often shared a laugh or a quiet moment. There was something about the way they all were together, that was … very intimate and close. They have reminded me of my closest friends, those who died on Akuze. They were also the only ones who called me by my given name. 

But the last time I saw Anderson and Hackett, outside official engagements, was at my father’s funeral. And that was when I was in basics. Though I understood that my father was closer to Anderson than to Hackett, at least from what little my mum would tell me. Why did I remember this now? Why did it even matter? 

He was here now, our meeting here most likely just a coincidence. Brass was mostly stationed here, along with members of Parliament and other politicians. Yet, even with this perfectly logical explanation, I could not let it slide: “If you asked me one hour ago, that someone would come to check on me, I’d bet it would be Anderson, sir. Did he send you in his stead?” 

He replied evenly:  “Yes. He did.“

So they are babysitting me now? Why? I’ve contemplated this for a while.

I have also contemplated another drink. 

Hackett leaned in closer and added in a quiet voice: “But it was not hard for him to persuade me.“

I was stunned. This was definitely more than professional interest. More than an Admiral making sure one of his top soldiers is at their best. This was … personal. Huh. But not completely unwelcome.

But we were off duty here. A little flirting won’t do us any harm, I was sure of it.

“I appreciate it, sir. For you, I may even try to be a better company for the evening.”   _But do not get your hopes up, sir. I am still a cranky bitch._

He smiled and rose his glass to his lips “You are always a welcome company, Terra,” he said and took a sip.

I discussed Virmire with him in more detail and it felt good to have someone to talk to about it. He knew the life in charge and offered insight, that all the conversations with my crew lacked. As the night progressed and the bottle was more empty than full, our conversation shifted to more common topics. 

At the end of the evening, I even felt a bit relieved. And pleasantly drunk. 

The company was great, and I wished I could have more evenings like this. But I knew a military life and I was sure it was not meant to be.

* * *

The next morning I received a message from him, asking me to take care of a situation on Luna. I sighed with relief. Liara was still searching for the location of the Conduit in the beacon’s message, and I did not feel like idly waiting for her to finish. 

So I ordered the ship to Luna. I was itching to kill something after the clusterfuck on Virmire, anyway. The last week was awful for all of us.

Besides, Tali was more than happy to gain more time to play with the geth remains we have salvaged on Virmire. She has resigned to the fact, that she would have to give up the “geth toys” as she called it, to the Council techies, and the Luna mission gave her more  time .


	3. Back on Arcturus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither me nor my dear beta, AinZaphir, are familiar with all things military, so if some things here don’t make sense, then please excuse me. It’s my headcanon, after all :)  
> On another note, has anyone else found it weird that Liara realized it was Ilos immediately after seeing the message in Shepard’s head?

#  Back on Arcturus

The mission on Luna was successfully finished and we were en route to Arcturus station again. Two hours before the arrival, Liara requested a meeting. With a sigh, I called the team to the comm room. I hoped the meeting would be a short one, I did not want to spend any more time in pointless meetings. Luckily, this one was effective: Liara presented us the location of the Conduit: it was on Ilos, behind the Mu relay. 

Therefore, my plan was to get the Normandy and its crew into the best shape possible, which meant: engineering check, refuel, restock and shore leave. I treated the Council hearing as a necessary delay -- what can they do from their pretty offices, anyway?

Therefore, as soon as we docked, I gave the entire crew a 12-hour shore leave. I was itching to get away from the ship as well, to have a drink, and try to get the lingering stress from Virmire out of my system, if only for a few hours.

My mother was unavailable for a call, so I sent her an email, giving her what non-classified updates I could. I changed to my civvies and headed  towards  the officer’s bar. When Anderson learned the Normandy would be docked overnight, he invited me for a drink which I gladly accepted. The officers’ bar and Anderson’s company was a safe place to have a drink or three and try to relax a bit.

He was already there waiting for me when I reached the bar “Commander.”

“Captain Anderson. I am happy to see you, sir.” I greeted him. 

“Likewise, Terra. We have the table at the window,” he said. 

Anderson ordered a bottle of whiskey for both of us and we drank the first shot in silence. Arcturus’ bar had always the best drinks. Bartenders knew many of the officers came there to drink the familiar beverages from Earth. No ryncol, Thessia red or batarian shard wine -- even the coffee was Earth grown instead of bioengineered in a lab.

I was looking out of the window, glass in hand. The whiskey on rocks was slowly turning into whiskey on water, but I didn’t mind. I knew I should speak about the mission with Anderson, he was one of the few people who could comprehend exactly what was I going through. He patiently waited for me to break the silence, nursing his drink.

I was trying to tame my chaotic thoughts. The Luna mission helped me to push Virmire from my mind, but only a little. And now, on shore leave with no immediate danger to deal with, my brain kept going back there. I tried to find some solace in the fact that I could talk Wrex down instead of killing him, but to no avail. 

I did not know what was worse -- the cloning facility, the truth about the Reapers or Kaidan's death.

Finally, I spoke. 

“Can you get used to it? I mean, the fact that soldiers under your command die.“ I was looking at my glass, absentmindedly swirling the liquid. Fucking Virmire. I never thought I’d miss another person after Tim, but here I was, still missing Kaidan, despite having finally succumbed to Liara’s clumsy advances. 

Liara was cute, and I thought I wanted someone who would not question me all the time as the Council does. Or ask for opinion, direction, or even for help, like the rest of my crew. She was just there for me. Her loyalty sometimes resembled that of a puppy, but it was clear that she cared for me a lot -- much more than I cared for her; not that she did seem to mind. Perhaps she was not aware of the difference. Not much of an attachment from my part -- it was easier that way. The only one who might have criticized me for jumping straight into another relationship was Ashley and she flat out told me that she didn’t care. Well. Again, relationship is a strong word. In my opinion fling or affair were better term for Liara and me.

Anderson carefully chose his words. “No, not really. The loss is still there, but time would dull it a little. But do not scold yourself for feeling your loss. A good leader cares about her crew.” 

I thought about it. It will take time to get used to it and to accept it. Losing my unit on Akuze was one thing … but I lost Kaidan because of a direct order. My direct order. 

Many times I wondered if I could have done something differently, moved faster, chose another squad… that could have given me the time to save both Kaidan and Ashley. 

Anderson was understanding and patiently waited for me to speak. I kicked back the last of my drink. 

“You are not alone in this, you know,” he told me. “Call your mother. She’s a Captain, she  knows  what it’s like being in charge. Or call me, anytime you need to. I know how you hate shrinks.“

I remained silent for a while. The truth was, I didn’t  have any close friends anymore -- I have lost them on Akuze and the fear of losing my loved ones held me back. I could not stand to have more loss in my life. Perhaps Ashley will become my close friend in time, but that would be neither easy nor fast. “I tried calling mum, but she was not available; an email would have to do.” I looked out of the windows. The stars were bright and we saw a bit of the traffic outside. The picture of peace.

After a few moments, I spoke up again. “Mum had my dad to talk to about assignments. Save for the classified bits, of course. But he knew the soldier’s life.”  

Anderson took a sip from his drink. “And our young Prothean expert cannot really understand you, I take it?”

How did he even know about that? Never mind. There was no point in hiding it. I sighed.

“No. She cannot.” 

Anderson nodded. “That’s the trouble with civilians. But we need you at your best and if she makes you happy … “ his voice drifted off. I wondered if he was thinking of someone. I remembered him mention a woman called Kahlee Sanders a few times, I hoped they were still together. Every time he spoke of her, his eyes lit up.

This was a weighty topic I wanted to get away from. Yes, Anderson was my mentor, I considered him my friend even, but I did not feel that talking any more about this would help me.

I shifted the focus on him instead. “How about you? Are you enjoying your desk work and its perks? Hot foods and soft beds,” I smirked and poured myself another drink.

Anderson started talking about his day-to-day and even though he tried to hide it or sugarcoat it, it was clear to me, that he was unhappy. When he started asking about the Normandy, I could not take it anymore. I loved Normandy, but I still felt guilty for getting the command the way I did. I needed a breather and excused myself to the ladies’ room. Yes, I know, I’m a chicken, but I did not want to sour his mood further. 

I fixed my hair and splashed cold water on my face to freshen up before coming back to the table. I was surprised to see Admiral Hackett standing there. I could hear them before they showed any signs of acknowledging my presence.

“David. Having a solitary drink?” Hackett asked.

“Steven.“ Anderson greeted him, clearly pleased to see him here. “Hell froze over -- Terra gave her crew a shore leave.” They both laughed at that.  _I was not such a slave driver, was I?_

I returned to our table and greeted Hackett. “Admiral.”

“At ease, Commander. I will not invade your drinks with Anderson,” he smiled.

“Nonsense, Steven. Come, take a seat,” said Anderson and brought another chair to our table. 

I was pleased that Hackett joined us. We shared our bottle and talked about what’s new in the Alliance brass. It was hinted that Hackett was to be promoted to Fleet Admiral and I could not think of a better person for the job. 

Anderson left sometime later, with the excuse of early morning, but there was the glee in his eyes, that suggested he was very well aware of the charged air between me and Hackett. 

I had clearly drunk more than I should to keep my filter in place because when Hackett asked me, how I was, I snapped. 

“Everybody just come to me, hey Commander, can you please fix this? Can you kill this bloody thing? Can we track down this guy I failed to kill last time I saw him? And if they don’t ask me to kill something, my crewmembers come and talk about their troubles.“ I sighed. Shit, I did not want to appear weak in front of him, of all people. He treated me like I was one of the best soldiers under his command, and I did not want to disappoint him. I did not want to whine either, but the pressure on me was enormous and our victory was not in sight.

I was suddenly bone tired. I pinched the bridge of my nose, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Then I kicked back the rest of my drink and put both my hands on the table. I was studying them, with clinical intensity, looking at my fingers, focusing on what I saw only to clean my mind. Calluses. Old burns from overheated weapons. Short nails. Many, many cuts and tiny white scars. I envied Liara her smooth hands -- the hands of a lady. Mine looked like a brawler’s. 

Hackett placed his hand on mine -- as a comforting gesture, I was sure, but I was positive he felt the electricity in the touch too. 

“You are not alone in this, Terra. Remember it. The Alliance stands behind you. Your mother and Anderson does. I am standing behind you, too.” He was looking into my eyes. He was serious. 

I forced a smile and moved my hands to my lap. I decided to leave before I do something stupid. It was not the first time I longed for a partner like him. Truly an equal partner, not a follower, pet or a subordinate. But he was out of my reach with regs in our way and I did not want to endanger his stellar career. Besides, in our line of work  _and_  with Reapers looming on the horizon, any of us could die any day. This should stay firmly in the fantasy land.

“Thank you, sir.” Shit, that was not enough. I tried again. “Thank you for listening and trusting me. And thank you for the company. It seems every time we meet for drinks, I am the one complaining about my workload.” Better.

He smiled. “Don’t worry about it, Terra.” Damn, I loved how he used my given name. Not many people do. “Next time we meet, it will be better, I am sure of it.”

He insisted on walking me to the Normandy. We walked in silence, both deep in thought. Reaching the airlock, we said our goodbyes and I headed inside. 

Liara was waiting for me in front of my cabin. “Hello, Shepard. How was your evening?” Why can’t she use my first name? She wants to be my lover, yet she still calls me by my last name. 

It was clear as day she wanted some alone time with me. But the company was the last thing on my mind and I desperately wanted to try to get some decent sleep. Without nightmares preferably. 

“Hello, Liara. Tiring,” I replied, surprised how true my statement was. “Come on in.” 

I unlocked my cabin and we walked in. I sat at my desk, moved the heaps of datapads away from my keyboard and checked my emails. 

“Busy?” Liara asked, looking around my cabin. 

“I want to review our report to the Council for the last time,” I replied, eyes glued to the screen. “Besides that, everybody wants me to get something done.” Forty-one new messages. Gods. I hoped for at least one from my mum, but I did not get my hopes up. “How was your evening?” I tried to be polite, at least. 

“I was looking for any information I could find on Ilos. Anything that could hint as to what the Conduit is.” 

I absently nodded, skimming the subjects of the new messages. “Did you find anything useful?” 

She started pacing. “I’m afraid not. There is so little information about Ilos. Even less than about other worlds colonized by Protheans. I wonder why is that.”

“Perhaps the data were destroyed?” I offered, still scrolling through the message list.

No reply from mum, pity. 

She stopped in her tracks and looked at me. “ There is  always  some data,  Shepard. Or at least mentions of them. But this time, I could not find even those.” 

I felt like a child at school, scolded for not properly understanding her assignment. Liara was academic through and through. Sometimes, it was bloody annoying.

“So we will have to go in blind. Well, that is nothing we have not done before,” I shrugged. “Now, I have to give the report one last go. See you tomorrow, Liara?” I wished she would get the hint and leave. I even tried my best impression of puppy eyes. I hoped I did not look too ridiculous.

“Of course, Shepard. Sleep well.” She kissed me on the cheek and left. I locked my door behind her and re-read the damn report for the last time. Then I decided to sort my messages before going to bed. At least a few of them were informative only, I was sure of it. 

I was just about to shut down my terminal and go to sleep when a new message arrived. 

_From: S. Hackett_

_To:  T. Shepard_

_Subject: Council hearing_

_Commander,_

_I will be present for the Council hearing tomorrow. Anderson suggested it, and I agreed with him, that it was a good idea -- it will show the Council that the Alliance brass stands behind its best soldiers._

_S. Hackett._

Wow. While showing the Alliance support was great and important, his presence was important to me personally. I also hoped I would not embarrass myself, politics were never my forte. 

I quickly typed a reply.

_From: T. Shepard_

_To:  S. Hackett_

_Subject: Re: Council hearing_

_Thank you, sir. That is much appreciated. We will not let you down._

_T. Shepard_

I wanted to write _I will not let you down_ , but in the end decided it was too personal and left it out. 

I went to bed shortly afterwards and for the first time in a long time I had a dreamless night.


	4. Stealing the Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard does everything she can to get to Ilos and learns how deep runs the differences between her and Liara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the oldest chapters I wrote. The very first version was even in the er-form, which needed lots and lots of rewriting and editing.  
> All the kudos, chocolate and coffee to my beta, AinZaphir, who helped me a lot in making it all work together.

# Stealing the Normandy

The Council hearing was a mockery. We were grounded. Grounded! Grounded, like children who accidentally broke the neighbour’s windows while playing soccer. I was so mad, I was sure steam would come out of my ears.

I stormed back to the Normandy and took out my frustration on the punching bag in the empty cargo hold until my hands hurt and knuckles bled.

“I am sure the bag had it coming, Commander, but it is surely a long dead by now,” a raspy voice said behind me. 

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I was so angry I did not pay attention to my surroundings and I failed to hear Hackett coming. 

I stilled the bag with my hands, breathing heavily. I must have looked like an angry krogan if nobody from the crew came down here to inform me of the Admiral’s arrival. Or just comm me here. Whatever. The damage was already done.

I saluted him and started to unwrap my hands. “Sorry, sir, I did not hear you coming.” Finally, my breathing slowed down a bit and I looked up to him. My hands hurt like hell, my knuckles were bloody, but I felt a little bit calmer. 

Hackett handed me wordlessly a pack of medigel. I thanked him and started to put it on my hands. The gel stung a bit, but it helped. He must have stopped by the medbay then. I was glad he did so, Dr. Chakwas would surely scold me for hurting myself unnecessarily.

The cargo hold was empty, the majority of the crew had left the ship to entertain themselves whilst on the Citadel. Our footsteps echoed in the empty space, the silent drive core nearby was a reminder of our forced time off. We took the lift and went to my quarters to talk. 

Once the door closed shut behind us, he wasted no time in getting to the point. “Commander, David and I may have found a solution about how to get you to the Ilos.” 

“Me, sir? Aboard what ship? I have a ship that can get me to Ilos undetected, but she is grounded.” 

“I am aware, Commander,” he said calmly. For some stupid reason, I missed him calling me Terra, but it was not the time and place for such familiarities. 

“David will explain more in person. Meet us in two hours in the Flux, he will explain more there.” And with that, he nodded as a goodbye and left my cabin.

What the hell? Why Flux? Why can’t he explain it right here and now? Why did he bother to come here in person after all? A simple message for Joker to relay it would have done it -- he rarely left the ship anyway. With a sigh, I sat down on my bed, rubbed my eyes and tried to think of the reasons why they want to meet in a club, but after the Council’s hearing, my brain had clearly had enough of subterfuge for the day. 

I was looking at my hands -- the medigel was already doing its magic, the cuts on my hands had stopped bleeding and was closing in front of my eyes. Thank the gods for modern medicine. I rubbed my eyes again, took a deep breath and stood up. I checked the time. Better start moving if I didn’t want to keep them waiting.

* * *

I showered, quickly ate one ration pack and changed into my civvies. I checked the time again -- I still had the better part of the hour to go. I decided to kill it by a stroll along the Citadel. I took the rapid transit to the Wards and bought myself a large coffee to go. With the steaming cup in hand, I was taking in my surroundings.

So much life, so much noise, so many lights. Looking at all the people, it was indeed hard to believe what I had learned at Virmire -- thousands of sentient machines waiting for us in the dark space, ready to harvest all advanced organic life. None of these people would have believed it, even if it was broadcasted as official Council news. 

Flux was crowded and loud that night and I realized why this was the best place for such a meeting -- lots of noise to provide cover, many of the people there were already drunk and the news about the grounded best Navy ship spread the Citadel like plague -- nobody would look at me twice here, glass in hand. 

I was scanning the crowd, looking for Hackett and Anderson -- I finally saw them, their table near the bar, in the middle of the crowd. 

* * *

I sat down at their table, and I was promptly given a drink. 

Both Anderson and Hackett were in their BDUs, their dress blues would most likely attract attention. I was glad I came here alone, in my civvies. 

They told me of their plan. Tomorrow Hackett would lure Udina out of his office so Anderson could sneak in to override the lockdown. I would be waiting aboard the Normandy to leave the Citadel for Ilos at the first possible moment.

“How will you get him out? Udina rarely leaves his office,” I asked the Admiral. When it came to Udina, I was naturally paranoid.

Hackett just smiled. “Oh, leave that particular detail to me, Terra. He is very power hungry, and I intend to use that to our advantage.” 

Anderson was looking at him as he spoke, nodded and finished his drink. It was clear they spoke of this earlier and were set on their plan. 

I was watching them in awe. This plan would put them at risk of being charged with treason! But they were both dead serious. 

“We have to do it, Terra. Otherwise, the Reapers will obliterate all life in the galaxy. Focus on your part, and let us do ours,” Hackett simply said. His voice left no place for arguments.

“Just make sure you are ready to leave tomorrow at 0800,” added Anderson.

Udina had indeed made this personal for me, but once the word got out, what would happen to them? Nobody really believed in the Reapers, the Council was still downplaying Saren’s threat as a rogue agent and his pet geth army and I suspect they would continue to do so -- regardless of the evidence I had already brought them and would bring from Ilos. 

I finished my drink, my companions’ glasses were already empty. Anderson paid for the drinks, and we left the club. 

We walked to one of the rapid transit terminals. It was quite late in the night cycle and I appreciated the nearly empty corridors. Standing near the console, waiting for our lifts to arrive, we were looking at each other. None of us said a word, it felt like all the words became obsolete and unnecessary. 

Anderson’s car arrived first. He hugged me as a goodbye, nodded to Hackett and left.

Hackett and I stood there, then he moved to the console and called for his transport. He stepped back from the terminal and looked at me. “I hate that you go will go there as a mutineer, Terra,” he said quietly, studying my face. “I wish I could prevent it.” 

A doomsday looming over us and he is concerned about _my_ career? “You are doing all you can, sir. Both you and Anderson. I will not let you down,” I simply answered, standing straighter under his gaze. What more could I say? I had to get to Ilos and get answers for all of us.

“Still, it does not mean I have to like it,” he grumbled.

His skycar arrived, but he was taking his time getting in. I just stood there, waiting for him to leave. Instead of getting in the car, he leaned to me.

“Be careful, Terra,” he whispered into my ear. He was looking in my eyes, and for a fleeting moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. 

“I will do my best,” I replied. 

He hopped into the car and left me standing by the terminal, contemplating what was about to happen. 

* * *

I called my crew for an emergency all-hands meeting the next day at 0700. Even though all of them were still technically on shore leave, they arrived on time. I saw the evidence of the late-night-out on their faces, but when I explained the situation to them, none of them chose to leave the Normandy. 

I was proud and moved at the same time. At that moment, I fully understood why quarians held their ship captains in the highest regard. 

Watching their faces, there was a mix of enthusiasm and determination in each and every one of them. “Thank you, everyone. Wait for more ship-wide announcements about our progress. It’s out of our hands now.” 

0800 had me standing on the cockpit, behind Joker, nervously watching the big red sign of the status of Normandy docking locks. From time to time, we exchanged nervous glances but otherwise we waited in silence. 

Anderson and Hackett sent me short updates on their progress -- I knew Anderson was in Udina’s office, trying to get through Udina’s encryptions. I gave him all the hacking tools I had, but he insisted on radio silence and I respected it. 

Finally, the signal changed to green. “Get us out of here, Joker, now!” I ordered my pilot. As soon as we jumped into the relay, I opened the ship-wide comms, but I was sure the crew already knew we were flying again. 

“Nice speech, Commander,” Joker said as I finished.

I smirked. “Coming from someone who hates speeches, that is high praise indeed. What is our ETA to the Mu relay?” 

Joker’s hands danced over the interface. “Tomorrow morning, Commander. I’ll specify the time estimate before the end of my shift.”

I nodded. Too early to tell whether we were pursued. We could always go into stealth, but that would significantly slow us down. “Understood, Joker. Keep me posted.”

I always liked Joker. He was indeed the best pilot in the Alliance. He would get us out of every trouble we found ourselves in and he definitely did not need any rescuing by me. 

On my way to my cabin, I was thinking about Hackett and Anderson, what were they doing at the time. Did they manage to cover their tracks? Or were they discovered and was caught in whatever fuss Udina was making? 

I shook my head. I had to focus on getting us to Ilos undetected, kick Saren’s ass and find out what the hell this Conduit was. They could get themselves out of trouble. But hey, no pressure on myself, right? 

As soon as the door to my cabin closed shut, I took a deep breath and I let my guard down. Nobody saw me here, I could let go for a few moments. 

I opened my locker and took out the holo of my family, one of the few I had with both of my parents.

“Dad,” I whispered. “Look out for us, ok?”


	5. Destination: Ilos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra uses her tested-and-tried stress relief (sex) and laser focuses on the mission, personal consequences be damned. But once the fighting is over, the mess in her private life is back in full swing.

# CH5: Destination: Ilos

Liara came to my cabin the night before our arrival at Ilos. 

On one hand I felt I like was using her, not reciprocating her feelings for me, on the other hand I did not give a shit, sex had always been a good stress relief for me. The majority of my relationships up to that time were casual affairs or even one-night stands, often we were not even exclusive. 

Perhaps the shrinks I consulted after Akuze had a point: I was afraid of commitment, because I was still not over of my unit’s death. But at that time, I did not care -- if I we fail tomorrow, the rest of the galaxy would follow us soon afterwards. With that glooming thought in mind, what happened that night did not matter.

The morning after I woke up before her, cleaned myself up and got dressed. I hoped she would be awake by the time I had finished, but she was still sleeping. I envied her ability to sleep deeply and without nightmares. 

I leaned on my desk. The images of last night danced before my eyes as I watched the sleeping asari in my bed -- the sex was great, to be honest, and I would love an encore, but it could not be the only thing in a relationship. 

I cannot help but to compare her to Kaidan in bed -- both powerful biotics, but she was … so timid, so shy, so unsure of herself. Kaidan knew what he was doing, but he had confessed to me, that he was not usually using his biotics in bed -- I was just special to him.

Fuck. I dragged my hand over my face. I can't deal with this now. A crucial mission was before us and I thought I could not afford to dwell on such trivialities like Liara's feelings towards me. Once I leave this cabin, I have to be the weapon. The youngest Shepard who would do anything to complete the mission. The ruthless bitch everyone knew would get it done no matter the cost. 

Anderson and Hackett risked much to get us here. I will not let them down. 

There was no time for love. Only war and death.

# Ilos’ orbit

We were getting ready for the Mako drop. My nerves were on edge, I was not looking forward to this -- and that was saying something. 

Wrex and Garrus were finishing suiting up, when Liara burst into the cargo hold. 

“Shepard!” 

I sighed. Fuck. I closed my eyes and took a deep, calming breath. When I opened them, Liara was standing in front of me.

“Liara.” I nodded at her, professionally and courtly.

“You knew I wanted to go to Ilos! You knew! You knew I wanted to see all the ruins for myself!” She was fuming. I was idly thinking that I have not really seen her this angry before. She reminded me of a kid in a shop, who was throwing a tantrum upon being refused the treat she wanted. I concentrated on making sure my gloves fit, waiting for her to finish her ranting. 

I met her eyes. “I know,” I said slowly, trying to calm her down a bit. “I know you wanted to see Ilos for yourself. But our primary objective is to stop Saren,” I leaned towards her and lowered my voice. “It is also possible that the Conduit is a piece of Prothean technology. If we have to destroy it, would you be able to do so?” 

My face was inches from hers and she seemed a bit taken aback. Perhaps a little ashamed too. Good. I suppose she did not expect me to turn her down after our night together. Perhaps she thought sex would change my mind. Big mistake. Mission must always take priority, even at the cost of personal matters.

“Think about it,” I said and went to the armory to get my weapons.

“Approaching drop point, Commander. ETA 8 minutes,” Joker’s voice ran through the comms. 

Without any other word, signalled Wrex and Garrus to follow me to the Mako. I dared a glance in Liara’s direction. She was still standing there, shoulders slouched, head bowed low, looking at the floor. I hoped, in time, she would realize I was right. For soldiers, the success of a mission is above all else. 

* * *

Ilos felt like summer after a forest fire. The heat, the ever-present smell of burning and ozone in the atmosphere from all the lightnings was not possible to filter; even with my breather helmet. I was sweating in my armor and I saw Garrus was not entirely comfortable either. Only Wrex seemed happy -- but I suspect that was due to the amount of Geth to kill.

I was never more relieved to get back in the mako. I removed my helmet, dried my face, with a few antibacterial wipes and took a few sips of the energy drink. 

“Shepard.” 

“What,” I snapped at Garrus. The creepy statues were making me irritable. We managed to get inside the bunker, but found no answers so far. Just lots of geth trying to kill us. 

“I just wanted to say, that you were perhaps too harsh on Liara. She is a scientist, not a soldier and she was trying her best to cheer you up,” Garrus said gently. 

I paused to look at the turian. It was rare for him to comment on my behaviour, which gave his words all the more meaning. If he thought I was too harsh, insensitive even, that would have meant I had been an ass. I slowly exhaled and tightened my grip on the steering wheel, waiting for him to finish whatever he wanted to say, so I could move on from this ridiculous topic and get back to stopping Saren. 

“But there are some things she cannot understand,” Wrex added. “Like the need to obliterate the punching bag after the Council hearing. That’s why we took her and Tali to have a few drinks at Chora’s den that day. There are some things only soldiers can understand.”

_Only soldiers understand…_ Wrex and Garrus understood. Anderson and Hackett understood. _But Liara didn’t._

I glanced at him over my shoulder. That would explain the empty cargo hold. I felt a surge of gratitude and eased a bit. 

“Thank you.“ I took a deep breath. “That’s thoughtful of you guys and I appreciate it, really. Now let’s kill Saren, find the Conduit, and get out alive, preferably in that order.” 

“Hell, yes!” Garrus cheered. 

“More geth to kill!” Wrex was thrilled and banged his fist on the mako roof to demonstrate his excitement. 

Who knew driving the tank to the underground trenches could be such a merry affair?

* * *

The VI, Vigil, finally got us some answers. I wished I had more time to download the data stored there, but we had to get to the Citadel Control to stop Saren from inviting the Reapers to the centre of galactic civilization.

We fought our way towards the Conduit, racing to get to the Citadel. I was not quite sure _how_ would we get to the Widow from here, but I did not give it much thought. If Saren was going through this mausoleum, then we were on the right track. But I had to admit, the thousands of inactive stasis pods give me chills even now, after all these years.

Garrus was pale, only as a grey-skinned turian could be, but Wrex seemed to be enjoying himself -- but only because we were fighting non-stop since our drop. 

The race to the Conduit was crowned by making a jump in a mako. 

The fight on the Citadel was tiring and long and I felt my energy fading away. I used the last shot of stims I had in my armor and our medigel reserves were thinning. With every shot I took, with every incinerate I threw at Saren’s reanimated corpse, I thought of all the ships above, who were being obliterated and waited for us to end this beast and gave them a fighting chance. Of Normandy. Orizaba and mum. Fifth fleet and Hackett. At least the Council bastards were safe -- I just hoped the cost of saving their pampered political asses would not be too high. 

Making Anderson the first human Councillor and thus angrying Udina was just an unexpected bonus. 

As soon as the politicians left, I sat down. Or _fell to the ground on my ass_ would be a more accurate description -- but that is unimportant semantics. I wanted to fall asleep on the spot, but was too buzzed from all the stims.

Medics who up that point had been patiently waiting for the stuffed suits to leave, swarmed us. I refused being transported to Huerta and insisted on returning back to the Normandy and into dr. Chakwas’ care. I did not have any serious injuries and the last thing I wanted was to fight off fans in the hospital. They argued, but I pulled out my Spectre card, and left with my ground team to look for a working elevator up to the docking bay.

# After the battle of the Citadel

Chakwas released me a few hours earlier and I was now lying in my cabin. I locked my door, trying to get some shuteye. I was tired down to my bones and thought I could sleep for at least two years, Yet at the same time I felt no amount of sleep would cure my fatigue.

I mourned the loss of all the Alliance soldiers I have sent to their deaths to protect the Destiny Ascension. I wish I could have done something, anything to save them, but it was an important decision. The Council now owes us a big one and when the Reapers come, I plan to collect. Yet … letting hundreds of Alliance soldiers die so three politicians could flee the battle, was exactly the ruthless calculus of war that I could not avoid, no matter what choice I made. 

I knew doc could get me some sedatives if I asked, but I did not want them. I would love to shut down my brain for a while, but the events of the last few days were still livid in my brain. The lockdown. Ilos. Battle of the Citadel. Anderson made councilor. I smiled at that memory. Udina was so furious, but I was sure that we need a new kind of leadership. 

_Leadership._ Ugh. The word now had bitter taste in my mouth. Like a buzzword you keep hearing so many times it becomes annoying, stripped of its original meaning. 

Anyway. Brass and MPs decided to throw a big party, to celebrate the victory. Funny, they can decide on a party in a matter of minutes, but the really important decisions took days, if not weeks to pass. I was invited, of course, and I hated it. I should be out there, leading rescue teams, killing remaining geth, or just cleaning out the rubble. Not spending the evening “partying”. 

I sighed and glanced at the clock. Four hours before the party starts. I should take out my frustration on a punching bag instead of trying to sleep. 

Liara was injured during the battle and was still unconscious in the med bay, which meant she would not demand my attention -- a relief to be honest. I felt the sting of my conscience for even thinking thoughts like this, she had done nothing to deserve it.

I sighed again. I would have to deal with my fucked up relationship later. Punching bag first. 

* * *

The party was ridiculous. All the pomp and expensive food to celebrate the victory by those who did not even knew how to fight -- or had forgotten.

I was standing near the podium, receiving congratulations from various dignitaries with a practised smile on my face. At least we were done with the speeches, thank the gods. 

My hair was loose for a change, I even managed to comb it away from my face and fix it with two pins. A bit of lipstick and a touch of makeup to cover my tired eyes. Here I go again, I thought bitterly as I was checking my appearance in the mirror. Alliance poster girl, no escaping it. But I did not feel as much out of place like I did after Elysium. Practice? Or cynicism? I did not know and did not care.

I glanced at the bar. Admiral Hackett was standing there, nursing his scotch on rocks. He seemed to glance in my direction once in a while, but I may have been figments of my imagination and my lack of sleep. Wishful thinking, perhaps. I noticed the number of people who usually swarmed him was noticeably lower than usual. Most likely they just wanted to be seen with me or Anderson, our newly appointed human Councilor. They did not have anything important to say to either of us anyway -- they were desk jockeys, second-class politicians and lobbyists. The necessary evil of politics. 

I felt like I did not belong here, to this posh party. This was not my battlefield. But then, where did I belong, after all? The only daughter of Hannah Shepard, hero of Elysium, Sole Survivor of Akuze, Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre … I was given so many names. But the truth was, I felt lonely. How many of my crew, of my friends would really understand what it is like to stand here? How many friends did I have anyway? Liara was naive and idolized me, Ash had no understanding or patience for politicians and dignitaries. Joker only cared about the Normandy. Garrus was tagging along for the ride, absorbing my views and ideas like a fungus. Wrex was always happy to kill anything I pointed at. Tali kept working for the Migrant Fleet, always trying to find and edge for her people in a war nobody even remembered the beginning of. Could I count them as my friends? Or was it just closeness formed out of necessity and many weeks spent aboard the warship? So many questions, so many doubts. So few answers. 

I inwardly sighed. I should call mum. We have not talked for some time, and I at least should let her know I am ok, and my injuries were healing.

My drink was empty for a while now, but I did not want to get another, not immediately anyway, even though the waiters would get me a refill in no time. Being drunk would not do me any good, especially here. 

“Commander Shepard,” Hackett approached me, drinks in hand. 

I saluted him. “Sir.” He handed me another wine and I took it, not wanting to spend the time explaining myself why I do not want it. “Thank you, sir.” 

He raised his own drink slightly, “Smile, Commander, everybody is watching you.” He was smirking, the damn bastard. Easy for him to say, when he was sailing in these waters for years as Admiral now. But I did not say anything out loud. I was happy to see him, I did not want to embarrass myself now. During my chase for Saren, he was in touch quite often, asking me to do some errands for the Alliance. After the missions, no matter how small, he always found the time to call me. Most of the time we talked about the missions, but he would ask how I was from time to time. It was nice not to feel like a task-doer all the time. 

He leaned in a bit and said quietly: “I take it you are not feeling very comfortable.” 

Despite everything, I chuckled. “That is an understatement, if I ever heard one, sir. Reapers and politicians, my arch enemies.” 

He took a sip of his scotch. “You have been outnumbered before, surely you can hold for a while now, Commander,” he replied, his eyes scanning the crowd.. “I give it one hour tops, before you can disappear from here. Give yourself some R&R, you have earned it.”

“How can you tell, sir?” I was curious. The politicians all look and behave the same to me.

“Well, for once, all the most important people here have already spoken with you and now are too busy trying to appear as important as possible with the other guests here. Also, some of them are becoming increasingly intoxicated and may need to leave if they want to avoid making a scene. Take a closer look at some members of the Parliament. Their PAs will discreetly move them into waiting skycars soon.”

I was looking at the politicians he mentioned. He was right indeed. Some of them were smiling too broadly, laughing too loudly, their step was not entirely steady. I did not pay attention to this before, being preoccupied with my own misery. But that meant that what Hackett said was true and I could truly leave in a short while.

“Thank the gods,” I murmured and took a sip of my drink. 

“No Goddess?” Hackett smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

“What?” I was taken aback. Oh. He was subtly referring to my relationship with Liara. If one could call it a relationship. It was more like worship on Liara’s part. On my though … it was probably a mistake, if I was being honest with myself. I did not feel like I had a equal partner in Liara. However sweet and caring she was, it was not what would work for me in long term and she suspected Liara was aware of it now. To some extent. 

“I wouldn’t say you are the one to listen to rumors, sir,” I have replied. 

“No rumors. David told me, actually. And I saw how she looks at you. She appears to be quite taken with you, Terra.” 

It was true. I sometimes thought Liara would worship the ground I walk on. Anyway. No point avoiding it and after an evening with politicians, I was tired of deflections and half truths. And I did not want to lie to Hackett, even if it was a white lie.

“Yes. As a bloody hero.” I’ve said bitterly and finished my drink and gratefully took a full glass from a waiter. If I am leaving in shortly, I could stop guarding myself so much, especially with him. He was oozing trustworthiness and discretion from every pore. Also, he was very sexy in his dress blues. Uhm. 

“Equal partners are hard to come by for leaders,” he casually observed. 

“Seems like you know your share here,” it was out of my mouth faster than I could stop it. Damn. 

But he just smiled. 

“I may, yes.” I saw him smiling this evening more times than in the all time I knew him. And he was really attractive when doing so. 

Why was I talking about this with Admiral Hackett? He was not my relative (thank gods, otherwise all my fantasies featuring him would be really inappropriate), he was my … what was he anyway? Besides being my commanding officer, I have thought about him as a friend. But friendship is a two way street and I was not sure about his stand here.

Or I could go on pretending we were flirting, because that was something I was not able to do with Liara. Oh, sweet innocent girl. Would she remain innocent when the Reapers arrive?

But I did not want to think of Liara. I did not want to think of the Reapers, either. Thinking about the former would just bring me heartache, because what we had was just a fling and if I was being finally honest with myself, I wanted to have the love my parents had. Thinking about the latter brings only despair -- even the Council did not believe me.

So I chose to watch the party die down and to enjoy my drinks. The politicians were indeed leaving, just as Hackett predicted and only a few people were staying here. Majority of them were very drunk, the rest of them just drunk. 

I chatted a bit with Hackett, the easiest small talk ever. He was smart, his remarks made me smile and his voice… Damn. I was getting pleasantly buzzed and I hoped I would get a good night’s rest afterwards. 

“May I have this dance, Terra?”

What? I may have not heard it correctly. Hackett wanted to dance with me? He could have anyone he pointed his finger at. And I was a lousy dancer, to put it mildly.

“I really suck at dancing, sir,” I said as a reply. 

“I am very good at leading, Terra,” he said and took my hand. The alcohol I drank erased any filters I may have had, because I said: “And I am very good at following orders, sir.” 

He smirked and took my hand, his touch electrifying. I was now happy I decided to wear a skirt with my dress blues, it gave me the illusion of feeling like a woman … for a first time in a long while.

He was indeed a graceful dancer. Holding me a bit closer than necessary, I felt his breathing in my hair, his smile was now close to me and I felt my cheeks redden. I opted to turn my head to side and to look over his shoulder. Even in my heels, he was taller than me. I liked that a lot, finally I was not the one taller, faster or in charge. I could let go of the weight on me, if only for a short while.

And I did. I focused on the rhythm of the music and the way his hands were holding me close, the smell of his cologne and simply the heat of another human body close to me.

“I would not use the word ‘lousy’ at all, Terra. Inexperienced, perhaps, but not lousy.” he quietly whispered near my ear. 

“Perhaps,” I lazily agreed. “Or perhaps I did not have the right partner yet.”

He smiled. “You only had to ask, Terra.”

Wow, really? But what about Liara? I felt like I was cheating on her already. And regs? My career could go to hell, but his? 

The music ended and he thanked me for the dance. I was in haze, it was awesome. I have just learned, that Admiral Hackett would not be opposed to ….what exactly. One-night-stand? Date? Relationship? Friends with benefits? Damn, what a mess.

I have replied something noncommittal and excused myself to a ladies’ room.

I refreshed myself and tried to think a little. What was the naked truth? I wanted Hackett. Yes, but for something more than just sex. I wanted a partner, my equal, I should finally admit this to myself. Admitting something was not the same as going for it, right?

But Liara was a nice girl and I felt like I was throwing her away as a second-hand goods, just because this opportunity presented itself. Ugh. This was a goddamn mess. I remembered Ashley’s voice telling me, that my casual approach to sex would bite me in the ass one day.

Also, I have never had a serious relationship in my entire life. With Tim … it ended before we could even name it serious. I did not know what to do.

I sighed. A shore leave was before me, and I have already agreed to spend it with mum. So no Liara and no Hackett. I will clean my head, get some rest and I will think this through. And perhaps ask my mother for an input. Yes. That sounded reasonable. Then I will face Liara and talk about us as grown ups. 

And Hackett … perhaps it was just adrenalin, alcohol and a wishful thinking on my part. No way he would be interested in me that way. Absolutely not. 

I nodded to myself in the mirror. I had a plan of attack and intended to stick to it. I held my head high, and exited the bathroom.

When I came back, Hackett was talking to three rear Admirals and gave me an apologetic look. While I was disappointed that I did not get to talk to him more, it was easier to just leave now and sleep on it. 

So I have left the party and went straight back to the ship. I was leaving for my shore leave the next day on 0800, and I wanted to pack. 

I checked on Liara in the med bay, but she was still out. I sent her a message with my shore leave plans instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terra is good in avoiding solving her personal troubles, yes? :) Next up: Shore leave.   
> Again, big thanks to my beta, AinZaphir, for her help and support.


	6. Shore Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra tries to enjoy her shore leave, but the events of her past tour are driving a wedge between her and her mother. She, however, tries to put it past her, with various levels of success and asks her mother for some relationship advice.

# Shore leave

As a soldier, you learn many different things. You learn how to clean and maintain your gun. How to survive in a hostile environment and keep your cool in combat. How to make shelter and fight in zero G. Engineers learn how to hack computers of enemy forces and render their shields useless. Snipers learn patience and the thrill of a successful kill after many hours on the lookout. Medics learn how to treat the worst of injuries and stabilize wounded until they can be evacuated into a hospital. 

There are many of us now, veterans, who have been deployed into warzones. Civilians might prefer to think the war to be over, yet every one of us know: it is not over for us. We can never leave the war behind. No matter where we go, the war goes with us. It stays in our heads for the rest of our days. 

Some days are good, with only small-scale reminders of the past, some days are just bad. Some are mediocre. 

We are encouraged to talk about what happened to us, to find solace in sharing our experiences, but the understanding and acceptance we need could be found only when talking to other veterans. It's not like we do not want to talk to civilians, our families and lovers, it's just ... They cannot really understand what we have been through, the things we had to do to survive. At best, they can sit quietly and listen to us talking. At worst, they recoil like from a flame. Perhaps they don't like to think sentient beings are capable of such things in the name of their survival. 

Up until that point, I could confide to my mother -- even if she wasn’t on the same mission, she was a lifer. I could also talk about the Blitz with my friends because we were defending the Elysium against the batarian pirates together. 

But after this tour, I carried in my head the memories of the Prothean’s war with the Reapers -- a war I’d never even fought in. A war nobody living had ever fought in. And to make matters worse; the mementoes of their war were nearly non-existent -- their only working warning beacon nearly killed me.

Nobody believed me when I tried to warn them -- except for my team -- once they saw it first hand. Yet everyone else was eager to dismiss it as a figment of my imagination, a product of PTSD or perhaps a ridiculous way to get more attention. Sometimes I suspected only my Spectre status averted a prolonged stay in a psychiatric ward, hidden, far away from other people.

I tried to talk to my mum about all of it. The Reapers, Sovereign, indoctrination, the geth, Saren’s reanimated corpse. She quietly listened, didn’t question me, yet I saw the doubt in her eyes. She didn’t voice any concerns, but I was sure she did not believe me and the mistrust drove a wedge between us. Even in her company -- a fellow veteran and my mother to boot -- I felt alone and misunderstood. At night, when sleep eluded me, I could not help but think about the only two men who truly believed me -- Anderson and Hackett. 

So I did what I have always done a situation like this -- I dropped the subject. 

I focused on my mother’s presence instead -- she was there and alive. And she treated me like her daughter, a young woman and not like some elite soldier. I focused on that and pushed the Reapers to the back of my mind as best as I could. I tried not to take her for granted, my father’s death taught me that much and for a while, it seemed like it could be enough.

Funny how I was unable to use the same approach outside my family, to my relationships. 

Kaidan’s death did make some cracks in my devil-may-care facade, and it was also enough to further question my relationship with Liara (not to mention the whole confusion with Hackett I managed to create in my head), but the fear of losing people I cared about was still there and I was glued to the spot. 

So we mostly kept it pleasant and carefree between us -- my mother and I. Drinking and relaxing, just as if we hadn’t been veterans at all.

* * *

One such evening, in particular, we were sitting on the balcony of our hotel room, drinking cocktails, making fun of their ridiculous names and eating chocolate. We both knew we would have to work out more to stay in shape, but it was worth it. Mum persuaded me to get a haircut and I liked it a lot. For a few short hours, I felt like a daughter, a young woman, and not the deadliest bitch in the galaxy. 

“Why have you never remarried, mum?” I asked her, my eyes looking at city skyline before me. From my vantage point, I could see people on a promenade below us and I remembered the stasis pods on Ilos. How many of them were there? Thousands? Tens of thousands? The same amount of guests as in this hotel alone. The comparison gave me chills. I popped another chocolate in my mouth, trying to get rid of the memories, and looked at my mother.

She took a sip from her drink, taking her time with the answer. “Guess I have never met someone like him again,” she slowly said, not meeting my eyes. “And I did not want to settle for anyone, just for the sake of dating,” she added and looked at me, almost apologetically. 

We drank our cocktails in silence for a while and opened a new box of chocolates. The day was ending and the lights of the city were shining brightly into the night. 

“What brought this on, Terra?” she finally asked. Mum knew after Akuze I was working hard and playing harder. I also knew she did not really approve of my not-so-mature behaviour, especially when it came to dating, but she was waiting for me to grow out of it, so to speak. She knew I had to learn my lesson myself. And this devil-may-care facade was starting to tear.

“Was it worth it?” I asked instead of a reply after a while. “I mean, was it worth it, dating a soldier, even though both of you knew you could not return from your next assignments?”

“Of course it was,” she replied without hesitation. “Otherwise we would just call it quits. But it was worth the time we had together. But you are not asking this without a reason. I know you, Terra. Tell me, what brought this on?” Her eyes were searching for something in my expression, but I tried to keep it blank. 

I chose my words carefully, but I felt I had to get to the heart of the matter. Finally, I said: “I feel alone, mum. My partners …. My crew, my friends… they just look up to me. Like I could solve all their problems. I am the Alliance poster girl. The first human Spectre. The saviour of the Citadel. But I miss being just Terra, as I am here now with you.” I looked at her. She was now looking back at the city lights, deep in thought. Then she reached out for my hand. 

“Honey … being in charge, being on top of your game, is a lonely place to be. You can either find someone who is on the same level as you or is outside the military altogether.” 

I nodded. I tried the latter -- with Liara -- and it was not working very well. 

“But the excitement of dating someone new or non-human will only hold for so long.” She looked at me, obviously talking about Liara. I mentioned her earlier once or twice over our morning coffee. 

“The fact you have to accept is that this level of commitment is hard but rewarding work. But both partners have to share the same common ground. Otherwise, you are doomed from the start.”

She paused and took a sip of her drink. “But I am your mother, not your friend to pry the details about your love life from you. The only matter is, Terra, are you happy with her?” 

There it was, plain as day, the million creds question. 

I shook my head. “No,” I whispered quietly. 

It was suddenly crystal clear what I have to do.

Mum smiled and let go of my hand. “I wish you will find the same happiness I had with your father, Terra. It was all worth it, even if our time together was short.”

* * *

The message to report back came two days before the end of my shore leave. I apologized to mum, while quickly packing. She just smiled and kissed me on my forehead. “I understand Terra. Be careful and stay in touch. I love you.”

I smiled. “I will. I love you too, mum.” 

With that, I was out of the door. 

* * *

The search for geth was in vain and the longer it took, the more frustrated I get. 

Any determination I had to talk about our relationship with Liara was quickly vanishing and I always found one more report to write, or one more gun to maintain with Ashley. I knew I was avoiding her, and I was angry with myself, but at the same time, I could not make myself to give a shit and do something about it.

And so I did not make the time to talk to her before Alchera.

Then the attack came, and I died, quietly, alone, in space. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This was a hard chapter to write, so many rewrites and edits.  
> Big thanks to my fabulous beta, AinZaphir, who whipped this chapter into shape and had many great ideas. And let us not forget she did so in her free time between uni exams. *sends all the coffee*


	7. Wake up, commander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra wakes up in an unknown facility and learns the unpleasant facts about her whereabouts in the middle of the fighting. Surrounded by crew she cannot trust, she hurries to the Citadel to talk to her old mentor, Councilor Anderson.

# Wake up, commander

Waking up was a mess. Learning I’d been deceased for two years in the middle of fighting was brutal. Not to mention the shock when I learned who was responsible for my resurrection.

I was glad The Illusive Man understood the severity of the Reaper threat, but I did not trust him one bit. I suspected him of having some hidden agenda -- he was not helping me from the kindness of his heart. If he ever had one.

The brief conversations I had with Jacob and Miranda sounded promising, both seemed to be focused on getting the results and hated the red tape as much as I had, but I did not want to get my hopes up. I needed a break from all the fighting to rest a bit and to order my thoughts, but Miranda ushered me to the waiting shuttle to Freedom’s Progress without further delay. 

The empty colony gave me chills and the babbling idiot Veetor only made it worse. Tali seemed to have grown up a bit, being in command and all that, yet one sentence from me made her believe the story of my resurrection instantly. I sighed, downloaded all the data I could from the colony’s computers and called for our ride back. 

* * *

I spent the first few days in a haze. Joker and Chakwas were a welcome sight, but the ship was still Cerberus. I spent my first night sweeping my cabin for bugs, only after I was confident I found all of them, I managed to sleep for a few hours. 

I wanted to contact mum and tell her I was alive, but I wasn’t sure my terminal was trustworthy. I didn’t want them to have any information that could be later used against me. 

Surrounded by Cerberus personnel, I desperately wanted to talk to someone I have known from before, so the emails from Hackett and Anderson were very much welcomed. I ordered Joker to the Citadel, hoping I could talk to them in person.

* * *

As soon as I cleared the nuisance with the DNA scanners, I rushed to Anderson’s office. I went alone, not wanting any Cerberus personnel accompanying me. I entered his office just as he was on call with the Council. They confirmed my Spectre status, which was nice, but dismissing the Reapers threat was just incredible. So much for saving those fuckers.

Turning back to my old mentor, I wanted to learn as much as I could about the last two years, but he made it clear he could not give me the answers I longed for. He eluded my questions and flat out refused to tell me anything about my old crew -- it was almost like he didn’t want to answer me. 

“I trust you, Terra, when you say, you are not part of Cerberus, but I may be the only one. But please understand my position here -- too many people saw you coming here, talking to me. You were detected on DNA scanners, recorded on security cameras. And if I tell you the whereabouts of your former crew members, I know you will rush to meet them and thus informing the Illusive Man about them.”

I knew I was being chased into a corner here, yet I refused to give up. I slouched into a chair, elbows on my knees I rubbed my face. 

“But there must be something _I can_ do, Anderson,” I looked up to him. I owed that much to Kahoku. To all who died on Akuze. 

“There is one thing, but it is a no small feat, Terra,” he slowly started, dragging a chair to sit in close to me. 

I opened my mouth to ask what it was, but he just lifted his hand to stop me and run a few commands on his omnitool. The security cameras stopped recording. 

“We have two minutes, Terra, to speak off the record,” he quickly said. I just nodded, internally counting down the time in my head. There were no glass windows surrounding us that could be used for spying on our conversation and I faintly heard a white noise coming from his omnitool. He even covered his mouth to prevent lip reading from long distances. 

“You may be part of the Cerberus unwillingly, but that does not mean you cannot use this opportunity to spy on them. We tried to infiltrate the organization unsuccessfully for years now, and you may be our best chance now. Do not let it go to waste, Terra.”

I let that information sink for a few precious moments, during those I studied his face -- Anderson The politician was replaced by a familiar face, my old mentor, Captain Anderson. I cannot stress how welcome was this change was, no matter how brief.

“Do we have a secure communication channel to use?” I finally asked. Every square inch of the new Normandy was bugged, all my messages were monitored, how the hell did I know the intel I sent would not be intercepted or changed? 

“None at the moment. You’ll have to think of something, Terra,” he apologetically replied and his omnitool beeped. Time was up.

Fucking hell. Not even a damned secure comm channel. My frustration was back in full force. 

Anderson stood up and returned the chair back to its original place at the table. The mask of the important politician, an expression I had never seen on him before that day, was firmly back in place. The last two years have changed him more than I ever thought possible. 

“You have to leave now, Shepard,” he said, coldly. 

“Don’t worry, I will,” I snapped and marched to the door, rage nearly blinding me. 

Outside his door, I bumped into someone. He yelped in surprise or perhaps in pain -- I was in my armor after all. I looked up to see who was the unfortunate person to have bruises on their chest the next day and I saw Admiral Hackett. 

“Shepard,” he said. “I was on my way to --”

“Yeah, yeah, save it, _Fleet Admiral_ ,” I barked at him and eased myself from his grasp. 

I angrily marched to the elevator, not wanting to spend any more time on the Citadel. “Joker, prep the Normandy for immediate departure. We are leaving for Omega, asap, ” I ordered my pilot through the comm and took the shortest path to the docking bay.

* * *

I needed time to process all this.

But time was something we did not have and I did not want to waste any more of it by moping around. I did not want to waste precious resources to help the vanishing colonies just because I was sad and hurt and alone.

So I have steeled my heart and went to Omega to recruit more of my new crew. I was sure I would not survive this mission anyway.

I pushed Anderson’s request out of my mind, without a secure comm channel between me and him, any intel I could gave him was useless anyway. 

* * *

Going to Omega turned out to be a good call. I was sceptical to the new team The Illusive Man wanted me to recruit, but at least the beginning was promising. The scientist, Mordin Solus, shared my distrust for Cerberus and helped me to remove all monitoring devices from my cabin, which helped me to sleep a little better. 

And Garrus was a sight for sore eyes. He was there for me, even when Ashley turned on me on the Horizon. I was overjoyed to meet her, but clearly she did not believe me. Come to think about it, it was pretty unbelievable.

Anderson. Ashley. Tali. The name of those I counted among my close friends. Friends that turned me down. What did mum say? It hurts if it's real. 

At least mum wrote and I did reply to her, to hell with monitored emails.

I tried not to get my hopes up when we docked at Illium after I had learnt that Liara was there.

I was sure she would be the last person to give up on me, but the true extent of her … dedication was worse than any nightmare. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, this chapter was much longer, but as my best beta suggested, it would be better to split it into two shorter ones, so here is the first part. This chapter may feel a bit packed, but my intention was to mention only those events significant to Terra, without describing the game events we all know by heart.   
> As usual, big thanks to my best beta, AinZaphir, who managed to find the time to polish this among her uni exams!
> 
> Oh, and before I forget again: BioWare owns everything. I am just playing with their toys and make no profit whatsoever from it.


	8. Illium, first meeting with Liara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra rushes to Illium to meet her girlfriend, in hopes Liara can be there for her when many of her old crew could not. But the world has changed when she slept and Terra finds herself more alone than ever.

#  Illium, first meeting with Liara

“You did what?” I hardly believed my own ears. 

“I gave them your body, Shepard, because they said they can bring you back.” Liara repeated, desperation clear in her voice. Miranda, who was standing behind me, quietly confirmed her story. 

I could not believe it. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I came back from the dead, but this … I had to get away. First Horizon and now this. Gods. I came here, desperately wanting to meet a familiar face, but instead of a partner, I found … this. She had taken my well earned peaceful rest away from me. Liara had indeed changed, and I was not sure it was for the better. 

I stormed out of Liara’s office, Miranda and Kasumi running behind me, trying to keep up. I stopped near the shopping kiosks, looking at the city around us, trying to calm down by focusing on my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. When I counted to twenty, I calmed down a bit, but I was still in shock. This will take some time to get over with, I thought. Immediately, I knew this was it for me and Liara. Our relationship was never rock solid to begin with and this would be a killing blow to nearly any relationship I could think of. 

I knew Liara was very … attached to me, but this -- this was insanity. I could not face her, but I knew she was the only one who had the information I needed. 

I turned to my XO: “Miranda. Please go back to Liara and gather any information you can about Thane Krios and Samara. We will meet you at the Eternity bar.” It was not very brave, but I had a mission to complete and I could not delay any further. And I needed a drink to calm my nerves. My implants will burn the alcohol in no time, it was not like I was heading for the next mission drunk.

“It will be done, Shepard,” Miranda replied and promptly left.

I exhaled. “Come on, Kasumi, let’s hit the bar.” 

‘Lead the way, Shep,” she smiled. “I hope you are buying.” 

“Me? Buying? When I have the master thief with me? Why would I do that?” 

“Oh please. I will not waste my talent and energy on something so petty as a drink, Shep.” 

I smiled, despite everything. And when we arrived at the bar, I bought drinks for the three of us. 

* * *

We stayed on Illium for few more days and successfully recruited Thane and Samara.

I even met Gianna Parasini and Shiala -- it felt surreal to be able to talk to them, without being judged or questioned about my whereabouts for the last two years. I helped them with their problems, but it was all very automatic -- yes, I am Commander Shepard. Yes, I can help you. What do you need? New contract for medical treatment? Helping you frame a weapon smuggler? Delivering lost data disk? 

I was back to being a task-doer for other people. I have almost expected Admiral Hackett to contact me and give me a new assignment. 

* * *

Samara was an interesting person. She possessed the wisdom of people who had lived for a long time and the willpower of a monk. I liked her immediately. I hoped she would be inclined to a conversation now and then.

I was still nowhere near accepting the facts that: A) I died, was resurrected by a terrorist organization and I am forced to work for them,

and B) Those I once counted among my closest friends, or my crew were either not available nor they did not want to have anything to do with me anymore. The thought was too painful to endure.

Also, casual sex, my old coping mechanism, was not so satisfying anymore. It was not satisfying at all, to be honest. I had some one-night stands on Illium, but it felt more like mutual masturbation, all very wham bam thank you ma’am. I supposed it had to do something with the chemical alterations to my brain Miranda mentioned the other day -- she told me she was trying to help me with my PTSD from Akuze during my reconstruction. I did not understand it completely, but I knew I was able to watch the stars through the hull in my quarters without reliving my death over Alchera. Moreover, acidic smells, those resembling maw’s spits, were not triggering either. Well, whatever she did, it was working.

Anyway. Medical science aside, I kinda hoped Samara would help me to accept my current life -- perhaps even teach me a thing or two as to how to live on my own, alone. Because living alone was the only future I could see for myself at that time. I felt like a weapon -- brought back only to fight the Reapers and the Collectors. I received no thanks from my current boss for completing missions. But I was glad I could help some random people or my crew members now and then -- they were grateful and it felt good to help them. Funny, during my hunt for Saren, these missions for my crew felt like obstacles that slowed me down. 

But there I was. On a ship funded and built by a terrorist organization, with a boss known to be the master of plans within plans and deception. 

I have tried to find some sense of calm in my purpose of helping human colonists and daily routine. I got up early, drank my coffee and worked out. Ate. Prepared for the next mission. Carried out said mission. Came back, get checked up by doc, cleaned my gear and weapons. More workout or technical work to keep my engineering skills sharp. Tried to sleep. 

Yet, I felt alone and empty, and my life resembled a hamster on a treadmill.

* * *

Samara told me that time is a great healer. She has also tried to teach me how to meditate -- she was not very successful, to be honest. But every time I left the starboard observation deck, I felt some sense of calm. 

However, my fragile feeling of peace vanished once I opened my email terminal to write to Liara about the Shadow Broker. I was sure my messages were monitored, but I did not give a shit. I had to get it off my chest and I could not stand to talk to her in person about it again. She may have changed, but I knew I couldn’t even pretend I cared about her anymore. Just keeping myself in a working condition to carry out with my missions was taking all my energy.

_From: T. Shepard_

_To: Liara T’Soni_

_Subject: Shadow Broker’s base_

_Liara,_

_Cerberus has given me information regarding the current whereabouts of the Shadow Broker. If you still want to hunt them down, meet me the day after tomorrow at the NavPoint I have attached to this message._

_If we go, we will go there as partners. Whatever we had, died with me over Alchera._

_T. Shepard_

It was not very polite to break up in an email, but it was the best I could do at the moment. And taking down Shadow Broker seemed like the right thing to do -- considering they wanted to sell my body to the Collectors.

## New friendships, old friendships

The other day I was drinking whiskey with doc, when I realized that being alone was partly my own fault as well. Yes, many people have removed themselves from my life willingly, but some were subtly trying to get in -- and I was so self-absorbed that I did not see it. Well, it could not be worse than it is now, I reasoned with myself. So when I left an inebriated Karin in the med bay to sleep off the drinks, I went up to the bridge to talk to Joker. 

* * *

My friendship with Miranda was as unexpected as it was deep and helpful. At first, I thought she was just a ruthless Cerberus cheerleader, cold and calculating, using everything in her power to achieve her goals. 

But after a while, I realized we had so much in common. Both of us had the highest expectations placed on ourselves: she was genetically engineered, I was resurrected from the dead. She also knew her share of loneliness and pressure to do the impossible. We talked a lot over drinks for more than one night. She helped me to understand that just because my first life sucked, that didn’t mean I would have to throw my (second) life away. At first, I thought she was only protecting her work (hah), but she was actually serious. 

When Miranda asked me if there was someone in my life, I snorted a drink through my nose. 

“Why, miss Lawson, one may even think you like me,” I said after I blew my nose, still smiling.

She smirked, looking over the edge of her glass. “Shepard, you know I am not interested in women and I prefer to blow off steam with Jacob.” She then grew serious, “But I am asking because you are alone. And there is a place no friends can fill.” I loved her no-nonsense approach. In a way, she reminded me of Samara. 

But she was right, of course. I was thinking about this empty space a lot -- it was Samara who nudged me to start thinking about it. And I found myself thinking about it more often -- at night when I could not sleep, on my way to a mission, when I was eating lunch at my desk to get done as much as possible. I wasn’t me. I was a shell of me, outside some work robot with my thoughts and experiences. 

Jack reminded me of myself before my death -- sex is a way to relieve stress, the end justifies the means, every time I kill someone my chances of survival go up, ... But now I saw how lonely she was underneath it all. 

I was also thinking about the evening conversation with my mum on Bekenstein. It took me quite some time to decide I had to try it -- I was on borrowed time anyway -- I wanted to experience the love my parents had before I die again. 

I had to be brave.

I had to contact Steven Hackett. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the other part. Again, there is a lot packed in this short chapter, but I hoped I have done Terra’s story justice and you have enjoyed it. Thank you for reading and leaving comments!  
> BTW, I miss the option to at least flirt with Miranda as a fem!Shep. It would be awesome. *sigh*


	9. Chapter 9: Illium, again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terra gathers her courage and writes to Admiral Hackett. She also flies back to Illium.

# Illium, again

I’m Commander Shepard, and Fleet Admiral Hackett is my favourite topic to daydream about.

I would always remember him clearly. Silver hair, raspy voice. The very first message I got on board the Normandy SR-2 was from him. He contacted me. No double-guessing. No suspicions. To him, I was still ‘Commander’, as if I was still active Alliance. Despite this, I was such a bitch to him when we met on the Citadel. Fuck. 

He deserved better and now that I was no longer not bounded by regs and the chain of command, I should at least try to clear the air between us. I used a public terminal to send him a short message -- figuring out how to send secure messages took time I didn’t have.

_From: T. Shepard_

_To: S. Hackett_

_Subject: Drinks on Illium_

_Admiral Hackett,_

_I am writing to sincerely apologize for my untoward behavior last time we met on the Citadel. I would like to make it up to you by buying you a drink on Illium. We are scheduled to dock there three galactic days from now. Meet me in the Eternity bar, if you’d like. Time and NavPoint are included._

_T. Shepard_

_PS: Also, allow me to congratulate you on your promotion to Fleet Admiral. You are perfect for the job._

So here I was, sitting in the black and blue dress Kasumi brought me, drinking wine, trying not to get my hopes up too much. 

Hackett did not respond to my message. Besides, three days were so little time to get to Illium from Arcturus.

I have decided I would wait here for one hour, exactly. No more, no less. 

As always, I had a plan; I would message Kasumi and Miranda and we could hit another bar elsewhere. Only Miranda knew the identity of the person I wanted to meet here tonight, Kasumi only knew I was meeting someone, or at least that’s what she told me. And I trusted them not to broadcast this message shipwide, or worse; galactic-wide. Joker would laugh so hard, he would break every single bone in his body, I was sure. I would not be held responsible for that.

I sighed and resisted the urge to check the time again. I had been there for thirty minutes, give or take, and I was trying to pass the time by catching up on messages on my omnitool. 

I lifted my head to order another glass when I saw him standing near the door, quickly scanning the crowd. It took me a while to recognize him, he was in his civvies after all. Funny how I got so used to seeing him in his dress blues. But he looked very handsome in dark trousers and a grey shirt.

I used the opportunity to take a proper look at him. Head held high, hair almost completely silver, the scar still visible, he looked like he had aged more than two years. Despite this, his charisma and the authority in how he carried himself had only grown -- he was a very attractive man and his entrance had already made quite a few heads turn. 

He finally spotted me and moved towards my table. 

“Shepard,” he said and took a seat opposite me.

“Admiral,” I nodded. My heart was beating, I was incredibly nervous. I did not want to screw this up. “I am happy to see you,” I added truthfully. Why the hell was I so nervous? I had nothing to lose anyway.

His features softened. “Likewise, Terra.” 

“So,” I have cleared my throat. “Drink?” 

“I’ll have whatever is she having,” he told the bartender.

“Careful now, Admiral, you cannot possibly know whether I am drinking ryncol on the rocks or not,” I said and took a sip. 

“In that case, you will have to carry me back to my hotel,” he quipped and took a sip of his wine.

“Seems like you have already tried it,” I observed, trying to sound nonchalant.

He nodded. “I have, of course. You know, It was on my first shore leave after the end of the First Contact War. I tried it on a dare if you can believe it.” He smiled at the memory. “I was a teetotaler for the rest of my leave to get back into shape afterwards.” 

I chuckled. I cannot imagine him doing something on a dare and I told him so. I tried to imagine Fleet Admiral Hackett drunk on ryncol and was failing miserably -- my imagination failed to even entertain the idea. 

“Believe it or not, I used to be a young foolish man once, Terra. Those days are past now, though.” 

“You’re feeling old?” I was curious. He has never shown any weakness in front of me, always the charismatic leader, an unmovable centre for many of us. 

He stayed silent for a moment, just looking out of the window at the Ilium skyline, taking in the beauty of it all. 

“Deaths of those I hold dear tend to do that to me,” he said softly after a while. 

Oh. I wanted to believe he was talking about me, but I did not want to get my hopes up. And I did not want to ask. Not yet, anyway.

“For what it’s worth, I do not think of you as of an old man, sir,” I said. 

“That’s comforting,” he jokingly replied, but I still heard some sadness in his voice. “And you know, there’s no need to call me ‘sir’. I cleared my throat. My heart has somewhat slowed back to its normal rate, but my courage was slowly thinning. I had to step on it before it’s gone completely.

“Now that you have your promised drink, I wanted to apologize. I am very sorry how I treated you back on the Citadel. I was not on my best behaviour and I had a trying day and I took it out on you. I know it is not really a reason, just an explanation, but I wanted to say it to you anyway. And in person.” 

Phew. I did it, even if I was babbling. If I managed to talk to him about how dear he was to me, it would be great, but for now, my first objective was completed. 

He smiled a little. “Apology accepted. I spoke to Anderson shortly afterwards which made your reaction a little more understandable. But if you wanted to go out for a drink, there’d be no need to wait for so long. You know I’m always happy to see you too.“ 

Relief flooded me. Yes! I had not screwed this up beyond any repair. 

“I’ve brought you something,” he added and was fishing for something in his pocket. 

He brought me a gift? Why? I did not get him anything, I just planned to pay for the drinks. 

He put a small package on the table. My curiosity got the better of me and I opened it up right there. I knew I probably should have waited for the privacy of my cabin, but I wanted to see it right away.

I unwrapped the paper and stared at the contents of the box. I had to blink a few times to be sure I was not dreaming. Now that was something I hadn’t expected to see again. He must have gone to great lengths to get them.

“My dog tags. ” I held them tight in my palm, my eyes filling with tears. 

“I went to Alchera to get them. Your body was gone, but these remained,” he said quietly.

“Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much this means to me..” I was still on the brink of tears and I hated it, holding the tags in my hand. But now I had something from my old life, a memento of the Alliance soldier I used to be. And hoped I would still be one day.

“You know, you do not need to call me ‘sir’. I have a first name too, and I would like for you to use it, Terra.” 

He… what? He and Anderson were using my first name for years, and I liked it that way - they were the only people, beside my mum, who did so. 

“Steven,” I tried it.

“Terra,” he smiled and lifted his glass. “To a new life?” he proposed. 

“To a new life,” I repeated slowly. A new life indeed. But I hoped to get back to Alliance one day. And as for Adm- ... Steven, I still did not dare to get my hopes up. As Garrus once said, there was a chance to be pleasantly surprised after all.

But the ice was finally broken and we both smiled. I talked to him about my mission to take down the Collectors and he filled me in on the last two years. When I hinted, that I wanted to get back to the Alliance, he turned serious again. 

“I know what you are asking of me, Terra. But ask yourself this -- would you have the resources to take down the Collectors in the Alliance? Could you still lead your missions the same way you do it now? And it pains me to say this, but we do not have the intel your new boss can give you. I would really hate for you to go there blind and die again.”

I hated, hated, hated when he was right. I sighed. 

“But you working for Cerberus has a bright side,” he added.

Was he saying, what I thought he was? “We are no longer bound by fraternization regs,” I said slowly. 

That much was true. But my last relationships were … rushed. I often felt like sex was the only thing holding us together, and I did not want to repeat this with Steven. I suspected I was destined to fuck this up at some point, but I wanted it to try at least. I pushed the memory of deaths of Tim and Kaidan from my mind.

“Steven -- “

He interrupted me: “But that is not a conversation to be held here, Terra.”

I nodded, there were so many eyes and ears around. I was protesting, but he paid the tab.

“You look lovely tonight, by the way. I am not sure I have ever saw you in a dress. In dress blues, yes, but not in a dress,” he complimented me on our way to the skycars lot.

I blushed. I actually blushed, like a silly schoolgirl. Had Cerberus really brought me back the same as I was? “Thank you, Steven.” I mustered up, finally.I wanted to reciprocate, but I did not know what to say without being utterly ridiculous, so I just smiled and followed him to a parked skycar. 

“I have rented a skycar for my stay here. More difficult to track than taxi,” he said and I nodded. Illium looked posh, but when it came to crime, it was worse than Omega. 

He flew us to his hotel and parked on a roof. The view of Illium by night was breathtaking. 

The first thing I did was activating my omnitool to do a thorough sweep , of the suite for bugs. Mordin and I upgraded our hardware for searching and destroying bugs and tracking devices and I used it many times a day.

Hackett watched me intently, but did not say a thing, waiting for me to finish.

“All clear,” I said and turned off my omnitool. “Sorry about that, but working in a Cerberus environment has made me a tad paranoid.” 

“Do not apologize, Terra. You are now working for the devil, no matter how much I hate it.” 

He called the room service and ordered some food and drinks. I finally realized how hungry I was. Our mess sergeant was good, but there was only so much he could do, even with the better provisions. 

We ate in silence and when we finished, he opened the wine. It reminded me of the times we shared drinks in the officers’ bar on Arcturus and I smiled.

Drink in hand, I moved to look out of the window. I took a deep breath. And now for my secondary objective. I wanted to get this off my chest, be honest and learn my position with him. Well. Easier said than done, but I was not sure I could get a second opportunity like this.

“Steven. I need to say something and it is not easy for me to say. But it is important for me to say it to you.”

He was watching me intently. I took a deep breath and started talking: “I get what you said about the regs. I _have_ noticed the flirting. But when it came to relationships, I used to just rush into things.” I took a sip. “Before I died,” he flinched at the mention of my death, but I continued: “My relationships were more like affairs, held together by sex. In the end, it was not working for either party. If you are looking for a friend with benefits, I don’t want to be that woman.”

There. I said it. A weight was lifted off my chest, and I waited for his reply. Yet he did not say a word, . Time passed and my nervousness re-emerged again Perhaps the message was not clear? Was he taking his time considering how to politely turn me down? I felt like I needed to talk about it some more, to explain. Not my brightest moment, I was sure. The whole fuck-them-and-leave them thing I was used to before my death was easier, that’s for sure. 

“But if this is not what you want, I understand. I knew that it was two years for you, and I do not know what happened in your personal life --” I was getting more and more nervous. 

“Terra,” he smiled and moved next to me. 

“-- and I would totally get it, if --” 

“Terra,” he repeated, caressing my cheek. I finally got the hint and stopped talking. 

“Slow down. And tell me what you want.” 

What do I want? Easy. “You,” I said. “But I do not it to be about want sex only,” I added. 

“Of course,” he said and kissed me. 

My head was spinning and it was not from the drinks. My implants had already taken care of the alcohol in my body and I was sober. It was a while since I felt such a heady rush from a kiss only.

Putting our drinks aside, I melted into his embrace. I realized how much I missed a simple human touch.

“I missed you so much when you were dead,” he quietly admitted into my hair. “When Liara came to me, telling me about this Cerberus’ project to bring you back, I could hardly believe it. But here you are, alive.” He took my face in his hands, touching me tenderly. 

“Steven,” I breathed, leaning into his touch. It seemed both of us were having a difficult time to come to terms with the last two years. 

There was so much I wanted to say, to ask, but I did not know how and I did not want to screw this moment, so I stayed silent. Damn, this was indeed so much harder than being the cold-hearted bitch. 

We kissed again and I smiled. A smile that felt like a first real smile in this lifetime.

We moved to the window and watched the skyline in silence together, sharing the bottle of red wine. 

“Why are you not bothered by the fraternization regs, Steven?” I finally asked. 

He smiled. “Is there a reason I should be? But I get what you are asking, Terra. Personally, I am not a fan of these regs. I believe our modern military should not regulate its soldiers personal lives so tightly. Take the turians as an example, they do not have these regs and their military is one of the best in the galaxy.” 

I nodded. I had discussed it with Garrus a few days prior. 

“Besides,” he added, “You are a Council Spectre -- that puts you away from my chain of command.”

It was true and at that time it seemed so easy. I felt like I could really start something with this man, I felt a connection I have never known before. I did not feel alone.

And so we sat there, watching the Ilium by night, talking and drinking, He was smart and I liked his sense of humour and I could finally feel some of the tension of the last few months in this tour let go. I can talk to him about my work without any reservations and he would not flinch, he would understand. We have also agreed on postponing sex to a later date -- it was my request and he did not question it. 

When I was leaving his room well after midnight, I was smiling. 

We have exchanged extranet addresses and promised to keep in touch. 

And I felt something I have completely forgotten about -- hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you for coming back and thank you for reading! I know it’s been ages since chapter 8, but I needed the time to polish this chapter and whip it into the shape I wanted it to be. I also needed the time to take a break, clear my head to do the last round of editing. My beta, @ainzaphir, was crucial to getting this chapter out. Thank you so much, my dear!


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